Im sorry for writting this blog but its like nearly 12.30am and i cant sleep due to the amount of crap i have floating around in my head. I am so aware that it is New Years day and i should be happy and what not.. But new years eve and the days that follow are the most challenging days in my personal calender. 8 years ago, on new years eve, i was sexually abused, So come this time of the year, i am somewhat sensitive and fragile. But bear with me, i promise this blog isnt about looking for someone to say poor shani or anything like that..
I still remember like it was yesterday the day I spoke to Barb about 'it' .
What would I call it when I talked about it? Would I have to use the 'R' word?
I couldn't tell her about the sweat, about the touching, about the body parts. What was I going to call the body parts?
They made me cringe just thinking about them. It was as if they were just that. Just body parts. Not even attached to a man or a woman. Just parts that existed. Parts that existed to inflict emotional pain. He did not touch me, He touched parts. He did not hurt me, he hurt parts. He did not rape me, He raped parts. Just parts, that's it. Nameless, faceless parts in a seedy garage one night. Parts that I left there, and never wanted to talk about again. Buried parts. Parts that I hated. Parts that I despised. Parts that I could never forgive myself for.
That day I talked about 'it' for the first time. The parts. For the first time the parts of me that had never been seen before were now exposed. And when the air hit the wound it stung big time.
Over the past year, Barb has helped me slowly clean the wounds, and Jesus has begun the long process of healing them. It certainly hasn't happen overnight but somehow Jesus has brought me to a point where I can kinda breathe again.
The very parts of my life that Satan had used to bind me to the rock of shame, are now the parts that bind me to the rock of my Saviour.
It was not to long ago at all, that I was desperate for the pain to end. The past few years have been spent filtering through some extremely painful memories, not even able to escape them in my sleep There have been times where I would think about the trauma all day long, wanting and waiting desperately for someone to come along, pick me up, dust me off, love me, and take the pain away. However, I would cry all night, because day after day it didn t happen. Nothing could touch the pain, the only thing I could do was lay in bed, envisioning myself in the arms of Jesus, clenching my bible, and falling asleep in a pool of my tears.
It wasn't that long ago at all, that I felt if I ever came through the pain, it would be a miracle. If I could ever function again, or go a day without crying or self harming, it would be a complete act of God. It wasn't that long ago that I saw myself as nothing but a victim, and let him continue and continue to victimize me with thoughts of worthlessness and shame over and over and over again.
Why do I tell you these things? Because I am just stepping a little bit out of that pain where I can function in a tiny bit of joyfulness, rather than simply celebrating a lack of suffering. I have to consciously make a choice. To allow God to take the pain and draw me closer to Him, or to allow it to drive a stake through the core of my heart, never allowing Him to come in. Somedays, thats a really hard choice to make but, if there is one thing I know about my Jesus, it is that His word is true.
He tells us, Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10
But, He has got me and He has got you with His right hand He WILL uphold us.
[quote]I have to consciously make a choice. To allow God to take the pain and draw me closer to Him, or to allow it to drive a stake through the core of my heart, never allowing Him to come in. Some days, that's a really hard choice to make but, if there is one thing I know about my Jesus, it is that His word is true.[/quote]
As you well know, the healing process is often painful. That is as true spiritually as it is physically. However, my heart rejoices for I know that God has brought you through so much and He continues to do so.
Please know that you are a vibrant and beautiful testimony of the love, mercy, grace and power of God.
Blessings and Hugs!
Let me see.. sometimes words cant cross the divide... hopefully this can
God will heal your heart and mind. Don't let that person have any more power over you. God sees you as pure and beautiful. Let it go. Don't obsess about it anymore. Forgive. Let the spirit of God take all the pain away from your heart. Feel the warm love that surrounds you. Thank the Lord for your ability to walk, talk and think. Live your life in service to God. One step at a time.
We have always been able to talk as fellow Christians, as fellow survivors, and as mates...but there are times that as all three, a man feels helpless. -This is one of those times. I hurt because you hurt, and the hurt is worst because there is absolutely nothing I can do for you except pray. -So I am very thankful that I serve a God who is there for you... who does understand your pain, and can give you comfort.
I love you, little sister... and I am very proud of you for sharing this with us. Satan loves for us to keep our pain in the darkness (hidden) because he knows that with the courage to admit to our pain... our issues... our shame, the healing can begin. You did nothing wrong, and it is only Satan who tries to make you feel shame. I love you... we all love you, and will always love you no matter what. -But by taking this painful step you not only have taken another step toward healing, but you may have also showed some other woman that she is not alone in her pain... that someone else has also been there.
I think you are an amazing young lady...
Your CB big brother,
Shani, my friend, you are truly a gift from God. I praise God that he has allowed you to bless my life. I praise him for the way in which he has set people on your path to bring about healing in your heart, body, mind and spirit. Over the time we have both been here it has been my privilege to watch you and learn about truth and honesty. I am truly blessed. kb
In sharing this you have gained a great victory over Satan -I'm not sure if you realize how great a victory it is -but [u]I know[/u] you will see the results of it. Praise God the enemy has lost this hold on you!!
Yes. may the Lord continue and complete the healing process. Surely He who creates you knows your frames and He will re-create where there are damages , even in the areas of emotion. Be brave and continue to be courageous for the Lord our God is with you, Sister Shani
From Hwa Silverpen
Thank you so much for sharing this very personal and moving story. May God grant you full and complete healing, and may He release you from any and every curse associated with this horrible crime, in the Name of Jesus Christ, our wonderful Saviour, Amen!
There's a Jewish New Year festival (in September/October!) called Rosh Hashanah, the Festival of Trumpets. Each Jewish festival represents a major event in history, and Rosh Hashanah represents the Rapture, when we will be taken out of this place of pain and suffering. That day is not far away! I know of a guy who is seventy years old, Richard Sigmund - he was told that he would still be alive on the Earth when that great day arrives! So if he's seventy now, you will only have to wait a few years at most, and the old New Year's Day will be done away with, replaced with a much better one! And your current, temporary, earthly body will be swapped out for the bright, shiny, permanent, heavenly one. You'll look your best, and you'll feel terrific, for all eternity! "Behold, I make all things new!"