My big old secret

“Shani, I know you aren’t going to want to hear this. But given your symptoms, I think your depression is really bipolar 2.”

 

I sat there, looking at the psychiatrist, dumbfounded. No, no, that doesn’t seem right. No way. My mind was spinning, trying desperately to comprehend his words. In that moment, nothing seemed to make any sense.

 

Bipolar. The word still tastes like Vinegar. 

 

Now it’s 6 day old vinegar. 

 

6 days since the diagnosis and most are a blur. 

 

Bipolar. Bi-polar. Manic Depressive. No matter how I say it, it doesn’t get any easier.  I have tried to use “mood disorder” or “depressed” instead because in my messed up brain, I  think it will have less stigma, but i know the truth. At the moment of diagnosis, i have gone from being that person — the eccentric-outgoing-free spirited-wild child — to that person: the “crazy” one. The unpredictable, depressed, angry, lethargic and exhausted one. 

 

Pretty little cocktails of yellow, pink and blue pills abound. One to bring me up, one to take me down, one to keep me in the middle. One to wake me and one to put me to sleep, because I sure can’t sleep right. Sometimes I stay up all night being impulsive, in a state of euphoria with all these poor choices and ideas pulsing through my revved up body and mind, and it feels great. 

 

Until it doesn’t.

 

Enter the inevitable crash. 

 

I’m suddenly knocked over by a massive wave of sadness, isolation, self-loathing and hopelessness. I’m left on the floor of the shower trying to breathe through my tears. Sweating, trembling, heart palpitating.

 

Bipolar 2 means I experience the later of the two much more frequently. That’s pretty well it. 

 

So, where am I at right now? 

 

Shock is an understatement. Scared and confused and in total denial are more like it. The same two questions are swimming in my head, how and why. I don’t know how this happened, but now I know why. Well at least why I do the things I do. 

 

I am rational enough to know that this diagnosis is the answer to so many things I’ve experienced since i was a teen though.  The mood swings, the unexplainable irritability and the risky behaviors. That makes me feel a little bit  better, not that it’s an excuse.

 

I haven’t got much more to add right now.. but this is where my life is at. I’m just going through the process of working out what this all means for me. 

 

Sorry this blog is all over the place. This new medication has a way of doing that to me. Give me a couple of weeks and fingers crossed I will be back up on the horse again.