My King is His tenderness has been removing things that have been in me for years, that were never meant to be there, and slowly revealing the real me that He designed and puposed me to be. He is dealing with the root of my depression and also dealing with another root deep seeded inside of me - rejection.
The earliest memories as a little girl was feelings of rejection by my siblings. In reality, they loved me and didn't reject me. I cant say i had a stable home, but as a child, i knew amongst the fighting and the abuse, my parents loved me and brothers cared for me. But in my tiny heart, I felt rejected by them. I would burst into tears daily and was called 'a sook' because of it. All I wanted was to feel accepted and loved. I felt rejected. Where did this lie deep in my heart come from?
That small lie grew larger as I attended school. I would suffer real rejection by girls who were playing the 'I need to be popular to feel validated game'. One day I would be friends with them, but by lunch time that could all change. Small girls are very flippant in their friendship choices in primary school. I went to school each day wondering whether I would be accepted today and feared I would be rejected again. And the lie screamed at me "See! Nobody really loves you. Your family all hate you and nobody likes you at school". I became envious of best friends and never experienced what it was like to have a best frind growing up. On top of that, our family moved every 2-3 years, which meant a new group of people to reject me at each new school.
Beacuse the seed had now grown into something ugly inside of me, strangling my heart, I found myself being the girl that would do anything for friendship. So desperate was I to be accepted. To have someone love me. Being this type of girl, i walked down some rather deep and stupid paths but aside from that, i always found that i was able to make people laugh. Be it at me, or with me.. so i used this to gain approval by my peers.
Then i went on to high school. By this time, my parents were no longer together. Rejection was amplified and multiplied, and something I had to live with daily. It was such a lonely time for me. On top of being rejected daily by multitudes of teenage girls, I felt rejected by my parents. As i was still living with mum, I would write dad letters telling him how lonely I was and how much I wanted him to come home. These letters were met with silence. He never discussed any of the letters with me. I felt rejected in my teenage heart, I took his silence as rejection. It was the exact fertiliser my lie needed to grow into something that would take over my heart, effecting every realtionship I would have from then on.
When I was 18 years of age, I heard the good news that Jesus had died to take away our sins and that our sins seperate us from our God who loves us. I also heard that if you believe that Jesus died for my sins and confessed it with your mouth, than you spirit would be reconnected with God. My tortured heart had at last found someone that would never reject me - Jesus! That was just the beginning of my journey with my King. It wasn't until now though, that I would deal with my seed of rejection.
Jesus tells us that God's Enemy, Satan, has one mission and Jesus has the opposite:
John 10:10 The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.
The Enemy had planted a seed a such a tender young innocent age that had grown around my heart warping my perception. Jesus on the other hand has come to give me life, that I may have it to the full. I cannot have a full life if I am living with as heart full of a lie - rejection. The truth is, God knows what I am going through. Just read the OT scriptures and see that time and time again, humanity rejected God. But despite this, He still loves us unconditionally. Jesus came to live among His creation and was rejected, and continues to be rejected. And yet He still continues to love us.
The rejection that I experienced was a plan to steal, kill and destroy the plans that He has for my life from the Enemy. Now that I am aware of it, and where the lie came from, all I have to do is look to Him. He came to set the captives free, and He has set my heart free from the lie of rejection. How? The more I draw near to Him, the more I read about Him in His Word, the more I understand the depths of His love for me, the more I listen to the Holy Spirit and not the lies within, I am set free.