Sometimes, this thing happens in my head and heart, and it feels like the machine, which heretofore was chugging along the rails clickity-clack, just flies completely off the track.
The truth dies down to a whisper; the doubts and fears shriek and gibber.
Inside my head it’s a tornado of thoughts. They fly back and forth faster than I can even process them. I find it hard to move, like my limbs have weights attached. Just the small medial tasks requires monumental effort.
Everybody thinks you’re stupid, the thoughts shout. I am. People are sick and tired of you, my brain asserts. The truth is, I’m also sick and tired of me. Nobody cares, nobody understands. Nobody wants to get close. Nobody should get close. It’s dark in here. Really, really dark. People prefer the light. I have nothing left to give.
These, and many, many other thoughts consume me.
I grasp for medication. I punch walls, punch myself, retreat, pull away push people away and dream about sleep that never ends.
I want to run away. Far, far away.
Unfortunately, I can’t run away from my own brain.
This is life inside my head.
And now I’m supposed to say something uplifting and hopeful, like ‘this too shall pass’ and ‘I am loved by Him and He sees my pain’, but I can’t. Not right now. The truth is, sometimes you just hold onto something, anything. Sometimes you write just to get the thoughts out of your head.
And here I am.
"And now I'm supposed to say something uplifting and hopeful, like 'this too shall pass' and 'I am loved by Him and He sees my pain', but I can't."
No you're not! You're supposed to be honest and say exactly what you have said. Too often we lie to people and above all, we attempt to lie to God. It is only when we are honest that the healing can begin. We can't be delivered until we admit our need for deliverance. We can't receive forgiveness until we admit we need forgiveness. We can't be healed until we acknowledge our need for healing.
This is why the enemy screams at us to hide it, suppress it, if anyone knows the truth they would rip you to pieces.
Here's the deal though, God already knows and He still holds out His hands and says, "I love you, please come!"
" And now I'm supposed to say something uplifting and hopeful, like 'this too shall pass' and 'I am loved by Him and He sees my pain', but I can't. Not right now. The truth is, sometimes you just hold onto something, anything. Sometimes you write just to get the thoughts out of your head. "
Same merrygoround or notso merrygo round, but different situations. When people tried to placate me with those platitudes after Kirk's death I wanted to punch them. They are meaningless when we are in the depths of whatever it is we are in the depths of. Meaningless, absolutely, but also very hurtful. I learned to avoid those people and cling to those who just hugged me and held me and let me be.
Consider yourself hugged and held from afar.
I love you.