"Shani, are you comfortable? Do you trust me? You are in a safe place, Now gently close your eyes. As you begin to re encounter your experience, i want you to verbally tell me what you are thinking, what you can see, what you can hear, what you can feel, what you can taste and what you can smell. Dont be ashamed or embarrased. Dont miss bits. If it comes to memory, tell me. On a scale of 1 to 10, How anxious are you? 1 being completely calm, 10 being completely overwhelmed and shutting down. I need you to be honest with me, so that this trauma therapy is a success"
This is where im at with my psychologist. Her and i are doing trauma therapy. Fun? Heck no! Painful? YES! Do i want to be there? NO. Do i need to be there? YES! Without getting into it all too much, Barb and i have FINALLY opened the lid on a box covered in dust, that was shoved right at the back, deep down in me. This box was full of the things that hadnt been dealt with. The things that i thought i would never need to talk about, or be reminded of. The things that i thought that maybe if i was to throw them in a box with the lid taped tight, would never emerge to see the light of day.
So, whats in the box that we have pulled up to front and opened? Its the box marked 'Abuse - Physical, sexual and Emotional'. Believe it or not, its the underlying issue of so many other things in my life. Its the underlying issue as to why im single, why i struggle to find self worth, why im a doubter, why i worry about rejection, why i have seen the inside walls of the nutter bin and so on.
As i begin to slowly unpack this box, i realise just how broken a life, ive lived. I see the young shani who was there before this all happened, and i see the potential she had. I see the happiness and the innocense and i remember the feeling i once had, that nothing would ever happen to me. I then see the breakdown of my family, i see my school grades drop dramatically, i see myself disengaging, pulling away and rebelling.. I also i see the Depression, the hurts, the illnesses, the loneliness, the tears, the vulnerability and i also see the Sexual abuse. I mean Rape.
I write this with tears streaming because im scared to actually dive right into all of this with Barb. Scared of whats going to happen. scared of what im going to remember, what im going to do. I have this very real fear of crying infront of people. Its hard to explain, well its not hard, but its a silly fear to have.
Whilst, ive only just begun picking up the pieces of my broken life.i know there will be a day when i will be able to say I am healed. I dont know when, but its a promise He has made and He who has promised, is faithful in His time.
I dont really know where im going with this blog. i guess its just a ramble because im sick and im tired and i need to sleep. But i guess i just need my friends and the ones who know me on here to know where im going and what im doing, so that if i go a little out of character, you know why and are able to support me.
Published: Nov 08 2011 04:54:06pm
I have been a member of ChristianBlog.Com for 9 years, 2 months and 3 days.
I know this is hard, Shani. So very hard but you are don't going through this alone. How I wish I could be there in person, sitting beside you with my arms around you. I can't but I know the One who is and I am sooooooo very thankful that He is! My prayers are with you, Shani-Girl.
Darlin, it took a long time for you to be totally broken, don't worry that it will take a wee while to heal. And even if a crak or two remains in you don't worry about that either, for the Glory of God can shine through a cracked pot.
hang in there, we are praying for and with you babe.
This is such a heartfelt personal blog and my heart cries for you Shani.
But I know that one day you will heal from all these things.
God is so good and fulfills His promises for us! ( which you know (; )
Cry out to Jesus Shani!
I will be praying for you!
God bless you and thank you so much for sharing such a personal blog!