Empty- adjective- containing nothing; having none of the usual or appropriate contents
Hi, my name is Shani and I am empty.
This is the disclaimer that I wish I could say out loud when I meet someone these days. It would save us both a lot of trouble; me the trouble of having to act like I'm all good, them the trouble of trying to figure out just what it is,that's wrong with me.
There's nothing wrong I'm just empty. I have none of the usual or appropriate contents . Oh, there are contents, just not appropriate ones. Where there should be peace, there is anger. Where there should be trust, there is worry. Where there should be faith, there is doubt.
I am empty.
Life, circumstances, trials, let downs... all have piled up and left me emptied of me. I feel poured out. Dried up. Out of control. With nothing left to give.
The reality is I'm legitimately not feeling good. My doctor has me on medication that is helping me 'take control again'. Yet in spite of the fact that I have medically documented reasons for feeling out of control I still wrestle with guilt. I still believe that regardless I should be able to suck it up and carry on as if nothing is wrong.
But the simple truth is... that's a lie!
I am not OK.
I am empty.
And that is OK.
It's OK that I don't have it all together. It's OK that I might cry if you ask me how I am. It's OK that I need extra sleep, or a day off work, or a hug. It's OK that my laundry is piling up and I have a sandwich for dinner.
I am weak, and tired, and frustrated, and worried, and empty.
But the crazy thing is... when I let down my guard, when I let people see the empty, needy, hurting part of me, when I confess my weakness I am not judged. Instead I am loved. Overwhelmingly, unconditionally loved.
It's as if my transparency opens the door for love to poor in and fill up my empty heart.
It's been a while since I have felt so empty.
I have never felt so loved.
So, Can I ask you... How are you?