When it's ok to not be ok.

Empty- adjective- containing nothing; having none of the usual or appropriate contents

“Hi, my name is Shani and I am empty.”

This is the disclaimer that I wish I could say out loud when I meet someone these days. It would save us both a lot of trouble; me the trouble of having to act like I'm all good, them the trouble of trying to figure out just what it is,that's wrong with me.

There's nothing “wrong” I'm just empty. I have none of the “usual or appropriate contents” . Oh, there are contents, just not appropriate ones. Where there should be peace, there is anger. Where there should be trust, there is worry. Where there should be faith, there is doubt.

I am empty.

Life, circumstances, trials, let downs... all have piled up and left me emptied of me. I feel poured out. Dried up. Out of control. With nothing left to give.

The reality is I'm legitimately not feeling good. My doctor has me on medication that is helping me 'take control again'. Yet in spite of the fact that I have medically documented reasons for feeling out of control I still wrestle with guilt. I still believe that regardless I should be able to suck it up and carry on as if nothing is wrong.

But the simple truth is... that's a lie!

I am not OK.

I am empty.

And that is OK.

It's OK that I don't have it all together. It's OK that I might cry if you ask me how I am. It's OK that I need extra sleep, or a day off work, or a hug. It's OK that my laundry is piling up and I have a sandwich for dinner.

It's OK.

I am weak, and tired, and frustrated, and worried, and empty.

But the crazy thing is... when I let down my guard, when I let people see the empty, needy, hurting part of me, when I confess my weakness I am not judged. Instead I am loved. Overwhelmingly, unconditionally loved.

It's as if my transparency opens the door for love to poor in and fill up my empty heart.

It's been a while since I have felt so empty.

And yet...
I have never felt so loved.

So, Can I ask you... How are you?

 Shani
  I have been a member of ChristianBlog.Com for 9 years, 2 months and 3 days.

  I have published 92 blogs and 267 comments.

 I currently live in: Australia.
K Reynolds+

*K :princess: races up to Shani to give her a big hug and take her hand.

But the crazy thing is... when I let down my guard, when I let people see the empty, needy, hurting part of me, when I confess my weakness I am not judged. Instead I am loved. Overwhelmingly, unconditionally loved.

That's because you are.

It's as if my transparency opens the door for love to poor in and fill up my empty heart.

Indeed it does!

And yet...
I have never felt so loved.

It is interesting how that happens doesn't it. Though we may feel empty and alone, we are loved by God and therefore... we are neither truly empty or alone.

Blessings!

K :princess:

Alison Stewart

Shani, my love, your strength in adversity is empowering for me. I thank God for your openness and willingness to share. Your words - as always, are very wise.


ps I THINK I sent you a skype addy for us with this computer, did you get it..are you skyping these days..would you prefer not to (no pressure, honest)?

:heart:

Shani+

Kbird!

Thankyou and likewise.

I just checked my Skype and there you were :). I accepted the thingo, I just never have time to indulge in the luxury that is, Skype. I do have today and tomorrow off though ;)

Les B+

I read your blog yesterday and didn't have time to comment. Love your heart and the lack of any pretense. Thank you for sharing your heart.

In Him,
Les

BTW, K. sent me a message telling me you were one of her friends so you must be wonderful too and it's 'great to meet you.'

Sarah VM+

Hi Shani,
It sounds like God topped you up so you didn't have to feel empty any more, I am glad :clap:
Your honesty about these problems is a great way of disarming the enemy. He can tell you lies and make you weak ... but if we remember Paul's thorn (2 Corinthians 12) we know God can do his most awesome work once we acknowledge that weakness:
"Three times I begged the Lord to make this suffering go away. But he replied, "My kindness is all you need. My power is strongest when you are weak." So if Christ keeps giving me his power, I will gladly brag about how weak I am. Yes, I am glad to be weak or insulted or mistreated or to have troubles and sufferings, if it is for Christ. Because when I am weak, I am strong."
Try to have something decent to eat if you can and take any offers of help/company you get. God loves you, my dear, you are a precious part of his family ... and this is why you need to look after yourself as well as you'd look after someone else in the same situation! Sorry to be an old busybody. It's my Mummy side coming out.

Sarah x