I wrote a blog the other day with the same title, and, after reading it, one would have gotten the impression that I am a great reader of the Word. I am not. I actually didn't even see this clearly until I came face to face with it while writing to another blogger on this site. How blind can I be? I will tell you. I have an incredible tolerance for allowing Satan to mess in my life and kick me around...it's not until things get quite unbearable that I actually have the inclination to return to Lord in a devoted (well...that's a stretch) way. It seems the Lord saves me from myself and makes me able to cope with something...and then I say..."see ya later...catch you next time around". For instance...when I adopted my daughter...it was a rather difficult adjustment. I had been working two jobs...going in at night to start to run batch files of maps/reports...and was quite excited about how my career was going. Then a call from my brother changed all that...and told me his sister in law was 7 months pregnant and the baby needed a home. Knowing my initial inward reaction of "no" was rather unusual (having had no success having children)...I told him I would discuss it with my husband. My husband had no interest...but I knew something was wrong with this...I was shocked at how far my path had strayed from what God would want for my life and what I was doing. Two weeks later the baby is born 6 and 1/2 weeks premature. I had decided to go ahead but my husband was dead against it...fortunately my sister had stayed over the night before with her daughter and friends for her daughters 15th Birthday party (so I had a houseful of teenagers, which was awkward). I wanted to just take off that second to go to the baby, but I couldn't...I knew I had to have my husband's approval. My sister and I started praying...finally my husband says..."just go and get the baby". I can't say I was happy...all I really was was afraid, literally shaking, I knew this was going to change my life...I really didn't even know if I wanted to be a mother all that much...but I knew in my heart that this was what God wanted for me. I won't go into all of the chaos of that trip...but when I got back 7 day later I had a under 5 lb baby with me and I felt like a fish out of water. I still had 120 maps to get out of the office by May 30..(she was born on April 10).another 120 to get out by June. I wasn't expecting a baby to suddenly appear when I took on these contracts. I would work at night so I could bring the baby in with me from 5pm - 12am, because Lee was so small she would feed every 2 hours...even through the night. It wasn't long before I was completely exhausted, and after about 6 weeks of this...I had to quit my job, leaving a mess for my boss to clean up. It wasn't the best career move. Now I was a full time mom...without a car...(my husband always had had a company truck...but it happens he switched jobs at the same time and his new job didn't come with one)...oh my...I was going stir crazy, but because I knew that my desire was to get back onto a path to God (I say "to" instead of "with"...because I hadn't really "felt" acceptance from God at this point in my life). Lee, (the baby) started crying a lot in the second month...and I had to carry her around constantly...I would go out on long walks 3 times a day just to get out of the house...but because she slept on these walks, she would wake up and scream when I got home...I was going crazy. I cried out to God everyday in the afternoon...and He would come in amazing ways and during this time and he healed many wounds of my childhood (it was very rough...parents were Christians but my father had two jobs and wasn't home...and my mother worked in the garage with my dad...where my dad had linatype machines and printing presses...it was his 2nd job...he also worked for McCleans, a Canadian magazine, much like the Times) so they left their 11 kids to do whatever they wanted...no supervision... things would get pretty crazy, I had a brother one year older who liked to torment me). During these afternoons the Lord would bring back painful experiences that I had completely forgotten and He would heal me of it, like only He can. I would have completely forgotten the whole episode...but God hadn't...and that was enough for me. This all took place in the period of 6 months...by the end of it...I was fully adjusted...I liked being a mother and could handle the job. So guess what? You guessed it...catch ya later Jesus...see ya next time. During the next couple of years things got tougher between my husband and I. I hadn't stayed with God long enough for Him to get to healing my marriage...in fact...when God had started to want to work on my marriage is when I wanted to quit. For you to get the full picture of what how nasty this was of me...I should tell you that my husband at this time WANTED to work things out. I didn't. I was too bitter. I can hardly believe this now. It boggles my mind. I even remember saying to God when I was really faced with my anger over it all (I could look inside me and see a volcano of anger, literally fire)...that I will NEVER for forgive my husband...I don't care if I end of in hell for it. (To be fair to myself...forgiveness had to be an on-going process with my husband...not for cheating...but just for meanness and verbal abuse). Okay, so basically, you would have thought...that having said that to God, at that point I would have stopped going to church...well I did eventually...but basically I fooled myself into thinking that I was still living a Christian life. A couple of years later my sister has a heart attack and our family is faced with the decision whether to take her off life support...I was opposed to it, I was full of fear on behalf of my sister, did not think she was ready to die...she had lived with too much bitterness (issues with her childhood). Eventually, the doctors did so without our consent, but during that week of being left with the agonizing decision I had to face the reason behind my fear and dread on behalf of my sister. I was not ready to die. After my sisters death I started my journey back, by that time, I hadn't been attending church...my inner life was a mess...my marriage was worse than ever...but up until then I couldn't have cared less. I knew that I could not say "Lord I forgive Tan (my husband"...that was beyond me. So far beyond me I would have turned back at that moment. Instead I said.."Lord make me willing to be willing to pray about Tan". Within a week...I was praying for Tan...not about forgiving him...but just things like "Give him a good day today"...or "help him when he goes into that meeting"...and I was encouraged in this because when Tan got home he would tell me something good happened that day. So this began about 6 months of this...still too afraid to tackle my bitterness...until one day...I said to God "Okay, Lord...show it to me...I want to get rid of this anger and bitterness...bring it on Lord, I am ready to forgive"...and...I found...there wasn't any. I couldn't conjure up any anger or bitterness... I kept asking God...but it was gone. So...I just said..."I forgive Tan...for_and for_ and for _ etc..." trying hard to remember the things that would have made me so angry to just think about in the past, I just did this so I could say that I "did" it. Shortly after this I really fell in love with my husband, I would pray for him all the time, and had such high hopes for our marriage. However this was about the time that he started falling in love with someone else (not the same one he left with). I was quite oblivious to this affair, all I noticed is that his treatment of me had gotten worse and worse. This went on for 3 years. When I found out about it...he broke it off (I think because the girl ended it). My heart was very broken but...I was thinking that if I forgive him for this it will prove how much I love him. My husband was getting great success in his career and was behaving very arrogantly towards me...thinking he was way too good for me, he also started treating others not very nice either...which was new. Eventually he left me for his secretary, lost his job because of it...(it caused an investigation...and when it was found that his nick name was TAN-Trum, (because of how he behaved towards his employees) he was fired, and he has had quite a hard time of it career-wise since. This period of around 10 years after my sister died...I was delving into Scripture with a vengeance...I was trying to live a "self-less" life...and I actually did reach a level of peace and contentment...the time between my husbands two affairs I had believed completely that God was going to restore my marriage. I admit however I never did return to loving him in the way I had before his first affair...I tried to...but my heart would not co-operate...it was broken, however I was still believing that God was going to heal it. God had other plans...and I see why now...you see...someone like me...always needs to be in deep water in order to be on her knees...otherwise I tend to get lazy and just wander away and the whole time Satan is stealing my children and tearing apart my house brick by brick...and I am just looking at it objectively saying..."hmm...that's not good...maybe I should do something about...well...maybe I will tomorrow". That is just one of my 10 year periods of needing God in a desperate way...there's been times since my husband left... I've had others in my younger years...but they ended up the same...in complacency. So now you have the truth of it, I am not a great reader of His Word...I wish I were...I'm starting to see what a huge price I've paid not being one. One more thing...One thing I do know...without one doubt in my mind...is that God is Merciful...and that I am accepted...I know that I can jump into His lap at anytime and He is delighted to see me...I have no fear of Him loving me.. I know He loves me... so I ask you why oh why am I still so reluctant to do so...when in my younger years (a time I haven't told you about) I would have given anything to have that feeling? WHAT IS MY PROBLEM?
Sister Startingover, life is full of twists of turns. God knows the times and seasons of our lives. As much as we have unhappy pasts, God also wants us to have happy future.
We all need healing of our lives, healing of the past and healing of past memories. Especially for people whose parents are too busy for them during their growing up years. I know that because , like you, I grew up in a family of 11 children and the family in the past having little, and the father hardly at home and mum trying to make all things met.
Pray for memories and for God to show where we have been neglected, where we feel desolate, despaired, frustrated and when we feel that no on understand us. The Lord is in the healing business, not only in our bodies, but alos our minds, our emotions, healing us in all areas inclduing mentally and spiritually.
Continue to seek the Lord and He will show more. May He guide you to understand yourself better, to understand others and you family more that you will have peace with them and with yourself.
Thanks for sharing
From Hwa Silverpen
You know we care about you here, so please listen to this - out of my love for you.
Life can be a rollercoaster for us all when we won't totally submit to God's truth and love.
Since you say "someone like me...always needs to be in deep water in order to be on her knees". Sounds like you need more fear of God in your life.
Also since you say "without one doubt in my mind...is that God is Merciful...and that I am accepted...I know that I can jump into His lap at anytime and He is delighted to see me...I have no fear of Him loving me.. I know He loves me". This indicates that you know that God's love is available, so why do you still want to live by your selfish love which always gets us into trouble? Why does it always take fear to bring you back to God?
I will address both love and fear. Fear in God is meant to bring us to God or bring us back to God, but we can only grow and become like God out of a love for Him. You keep coming back to God out of fear, but you don't seem to grow much more in love with God everytime you come back to Him. You know His love is there for you, but for some reason you don't want to grab hold of that love of God and live by it. You have to decide, you need a crisis of belief before you can go any further. You need to decide what belief you are going to base the rest of your life on.
You can only be a ping pong ball for a limited time. Because of Jesus Christ being our High Priest, we can keep coming back to the comfort of His love as long as we are living in these physical fleshly bodies. But when Christ comes back like a thief, the chance to live for Christ is done. After we die, Christ is no longer our High Priest. Either we have become one with Him while we were still living in these fleshly bodies or we go to hell. God gives us our whole life to totally dedicate ourselves to Him.
You have to stop being like your ex-husband and having other love affairs with yourself instead of God. God will not become one with anyone that is not totally committed to Him out of a total love for Him. God will not marry us to Himself until He knows we only love Him and no one else - and that includes not loving ourselves more than God.
The marriage process between Christ and us must happen in this life. Don t let anyone tell you that after we die that Christ will come and be your attorney before the Father and tell the Father that you can go into heaven when you didn t dedicate yourself totally to God while you had the chance. Christ is only our High Priest while we are in these physical bodies. Once we die, Christ is no longer our High Priest. Christ will be our advocate with the heavenly Father while we are still alive, but only while we are still physically alive. God gives us this life to chose Him above everyone and everything else, but it is only during this life on earth.
So, if you need more fear to come back totally to God, then be deathly afraid, for you should be. And when you do come back to God, love Him with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength and don t leave Him again. Stop playing Russian roulette with your love and your spiritual eternity.
Mike, I believe you are absolutely 100% correct. I've been praying this morning...and confessing these very same things. I know I don't have the fear of the Lord...something as a child I was drilled into...until the Lord kept coming back and loving me...and then...(our hearts are so deceitful) I no longer feared the Lord, and I can't seem to find it...I've even asked God for an experience of "Hell"...to kick me into shape...but He hasn't done so.
I was praying today...Why or why is my heart so wrecked that I can't love You back? I thought about all the million times he forgave...not for little sins...but huge ones...and still my heart...though moved for a moment...grows quickly cold again.
I've sought this "Love" for many years. I know I've written this before on here somewhere but don't know who to, but...I will say it again. On my long Journey back to the Lord after my sister died in 1997, I fasted on and off, I was trying to learn obedience, the fast was all about "falling in love with God"...that was it's object (though at the time...I thought I did love him a little...or at least somewhat). On one of these fasts...I had pledged a least a week...or more...but anything less would have been failure. I was determined. It turned out to be the hardest time I'd ever had at fasting...I kept going back to the fridge over and over...but always closing it...and going away hungry and agitated. Finally on the 3rd and I went to the fridge for the 100th time...and I was so overwhelmed with desire for food that I slammed the door shut and ran to my living room got down on my knees and prayed..."Lord I want to EAT"...I can't stand it anymore! (or something to that effect)...and he spoke to me...a beautiful voice full of Love and Mercy...and said.."If you love me you will obey Me". I knew it was scripture and I knew that He was saying that I was putting obedience ahead of Love...so...just go and eat...and work on the Love issue.
I did try to work on the Love issue. I would try to seek Him...but he seemed so nebulous...distant...not really a person...I did not quite know how to love something that I could not see. Or something.
Eventually the weight of those words and the sound of His voice when He said it would pull on my heart "If you love Me you will obey Me".
In the past I might of said something dramatic like "it broke my heart to hear Him say it, when I did feel much of anything back"...but now I will just say...it burdened me that I didn't love Him, and I was actively trying to figure out how to do so.
I did fall in love with my husband during this time and I thought up a great theory that "I love Jesus through my husband"...but now I know that is not true, as when my husband betrayed me the first time...this love for my husband was never the same, so that is why I know it was not love for the Lord.
After my husband left me...I knew that I needed to fall in love with God in a real way...unfortunately, a childhood friend, and eventually first boyfriend tracked me down because he heard I was separated. We started writing...I knew it was very wrong...tried to stop...but became addicted. That lasted around 6 months. God miraculously saved me from that...but not before it nearly broke up his marriage. It is a very shameful sickening period of my life.
It may be hard to believe...but just before this person came back into my life I had started to foster children, because I believed from reading Scripture...that if we Love those He loves it is the same as loving Him. Mothering does not come naturally to me...and these boys were very troubled...so I know it was God that put them here...because I managed to make a home out of it...I won't go into the terrible adjustment phase this was.
While this "affair" was going on...I had these boys...and I knew that I knew that I knew...that God was not giving up on me...and that He would get me out of this affair...(I won't bother with the details). However that does not mean there weren't severe consequences for my sin. The ministry decided they were going to take the boys and give them to their grandfather...and so much of the time during this affair they were transitioning back into their Grandfathers home...the boys were really acting up...and things were tough...but a lot of that was my fault not theirs.
After the affair was over the decision to remove the boys reversed and now I had them again...probably for life. Well...I was such a wreck at this point all I wanted to do was run away...(I had family members thinking that if it were them that had a affair that they would commit suicide...my ex affair...said I should commit suicide...and basically I was left to cope alone...well one sister stuck it out with me, but no one else.)
(Though I may have wanted to run from all of my responsibilities at that moment...I never for a moment felt the need to commit suicide...I knew that I knew that I knew that God has rescued me...and inspite of all the humiliation of the world finding out about my affair...i was glad glad glad that it did!!!! I knew absolutely that God couldn't allow it to be concealed...not if He loved Me...to me it made me fully aware of God's love for me. I also knew that I couldn't of lived with that type of secret...it would have killed my relationship with God. I had a father and mother in heaven that already knew all about it...and I could feel their sorrow/disappointment of me, I needed to confess.It has been over 2 years now...I am back in contact with my family and all of that is over. I don't really like going back there...but felt it was important to include it, because of how He rescued me.
The person with whom I had an affair had a friend which was single...my age...and a Christian and he came from my home town in Ontario...he came out west to help me leave the relationship with Ron...though this other man was only in my life for a couple of months it was as if Jesus himself had come and romanced me away from this other man...and once it was done...it was over...and he left me to seek the Lord on my own. During this time I kept imagining in my mind this 2nd man in a black shirt coming to me with purple flowers and asking me to dance. Don't tell me why, I don't know where it came from. Often in my imagination this 2nd man was Jesus...and sometimes it was this man...we really thought we might end up being married, but I am not unhappy that we never did, I am grateful that he came and left...it was perfect. After he left I habitually thought of Jesus coming to me in a black shirt with purple flower and asking me to dance...these fantasies always ended up with us waltzing for the planets...talking me to far away galaxies.
I really thought I was falling in Love with Jesus finally.
However down here earth all I wanted to do was escape...and I was hoping that God might let me go...so for that winter I was not buckling down to my job of being a mother very well...hoping I would get out of it...however...finally...one day...I prayed in a rather desperate fashion "Lord What is it that you want me to do?" and at that moment...Cree my 5 year old says to me "Mommy"...I say "yes"...and he says "Mommy come sit with me"...and so I go and sit with him and he snuggles up to me...and he says "Mommy do you know what I want to do?" and I say "What honey"...and he says, "I want to wear a black shirt and bring you purple flowers and I want you to come dance with me?".
I knew my answer. I also have tried to love these kids as if I were loving the Lord...because I know that is what His message to me was. However don't ask how well I do it...I try that's all I can say...I do love them...but it isn't always easy.
Mike...there is something terribly wrong with my heart...it does not work...I need a new one. That's all there is to it. I am getting there...through a post of musings I discovered the reason I failed during my marriage...when I had been seeking God sincerely for over 10 years...it was a lack of faith. I still depended heavily on my husband...and God had to show me I didn't need him to care for me...all I really need is God.
So, I really feel I am just beginning a new journey...I've started to read the bible again because through the revelation I received with musings post I also received the remedy..."Faith comes by reading the Word of God". I have already received much from the little I have read and I need to keep at at.
I appreciate your honesty...and caring enough to write the Truth. It was the Truth. I have a very diseased heart and it needs replacing, I think God will do it soon, I have seen some glimpses of changes in me already, even from a week ago.
I believe fear may be what drives us to God but it can't keep us there...even with such a thorough knowledge of the consequences of sin (I'm talking eternal...I'd didn't feel eternally secure while in sin)...I still could not extricate myself from that affair...I was willing to die...well...at least part of me was. The Word says "the Fear of God is the beginning of Wisdom"...but the "Love of God brings us to repentance". It's hard for the human mind to know how to balance those two extremes.
I still need prayer...I have many many things to still work out in me...I am in a repentance phase...so keep praying, I want victory.
Boy, that was a lot of information, but I am glad you shared it with me. It lets me know more where your heart is at. I am praying for you and will continue to do so.
I am glad you have forgiven yourself through all what you have gone through.
I see you have a lot of concern and love for your family. We should love our family and try to show God's love/light to them.
Before I say anymore, I would like to ask you a question.
Would you still love God if you found out that none of your family went to heaven or is going to heaven? Is this a God you could love?
I have been thinking/meditating on this question since last evening. I was up much in the night...asking God to show me the Truth and the right answer.
I listen to sermons through the night and last night I was listening to B.H. Clendennon's "The Bride of Christ"...it was a message for me, you would have liked it also. Mainly it was about being a Bride worthy of Jesus.
In answer to your question, I believe that up until last summer my daughter would have been a major concern for me if, (though I know you don't have the same belief...so I hesitate), if the Lord were to return tomorrow. I'm the only parent around...my ex-husband is 3 hours away, he lovers her, but he is a terrible influence.
I would have had a hard time not feeling terrible for leaving her alone... and I would have had a hard time not feeling entirely responsible for her condition. As a mother it is huge conflict...and seems to go against the principles of Love...I mean how can a mother leave her child to fend for themselves? It seems selfish. Which I remember you saying at one time...but with a different emphasis which I didn't quite understand.
However, after what has been going on in this past year...how I have had to endure her blaming me for her life and all sorts of things which left me all rather shell shocked at times. After her demanding her independence and she thinking she can come and go as she pleases around here. I am feeling a separation taking place...she has removed herself from my area of responsibility, and she is demanding her independence. She is 18, and it is normal for her to be wanting to do so. Though it could have been done in a nicer manner.
So, I can say that you were right again. I have allowed people to keep me grounded to this earth. She still remains the most important person to me on this earth...but now that no longer has the power to make me feel responsible for her.
I love my 3 foster sons, however "the system", provides safeguards to make sure you never feel entirely "responsible" for them...I am a place where they stay and provide a loving home for them...but I am constantly battling regulations and rules and constraints, it makes it hard for it to feel very normal. I also have the benefit of hindsight...and the over-attachment I had for my daughter is unlikely to happen again.
Even worse than that though...there was a time, not too long ago where I would have found it hard to leave my house and gardens which I had put way too much energy into. However when my husband left it was all sold and I can say I am not at all sorry about that. I went there yesterday and walked around the gardens (the new owners had it repossessed so it sits empty), and I had a sorrow only for my marriage...not for anything material.
The Lord is doing a work in my heart right now and I am experiencing things I never have before, the work has just begun, so I don't really want to share anything at the moment that might jeopardize it's completion...I don't want to make false assumptions that only will be proven wrong down the road, I am just allowing the Lord to do a work. It is very painful and I having intense feelings of loneliness so please pray for me. It is all good though...because I am going to the One I should be going to, and I don't want anything to distract me from Him.
Thank you for your prayers and being instrumental in helping start this process. In Christ Shirley
I should add something however, something that will Glorify the Lord, and allow you moderate your feelings of pity for me, because He does take care of me.
After the house was sold and my husband and I split the money (I built a lot of the house myself, so it had a very low mortgage...but is one of the nicest houses in the north...it would have been worth a fortune if we had built it anywhere else...as it was, it was worth less than half as much).
Anyway...with that money...I bought the home I am in...it was a repossession as well...but had been neglected for over 20 years...and most people could not see that it was an amazing house...for all of the plumbing/water and damage it had. Everything was overgrown you couldn't even see where the garden had been for the bushes and willows that were growing over it. Entire rock walls were covered by tangled trees which had blown over each other in a huge ugly mess. I have since redone almost everything. The house still needs a little finishing so it still needs trim and some less important rooms still need a little work.
I have a greenhouse...which had to be rebuilt...miraculously, found all of the glass I needed just sitting there at the dump...in one trip I had all that I needed to replace the whole thing...most of it having been rotting and windows were broken etc. This green house is bigger than the one I left...but does not have all the extras (french doors, automatic venting...stupid things...that now I just feel guilty for spending the money on...however it is one of the reasons why it sold so well for us at a risky time).
The original owner of this house I am in spent enormous time on its landscaping...there are rock walls everywhere, it overlooks the lake, which before I had property on...but now I am on a hill overlooking the whole length of it. It is 3 and half acres, as before we had less than one, and it is great for kids. A neighbor just took his little backhoe around the property to make a path for my boys dirt bike. It is ideal.
I am just amazed at how good God has been to me. He replaced everything I had before but better. No, it is not as huge, but I am more than satisfied. Even while with my husband before we built my dream house we had lived in things way way less than what I have now. It was God...and that is all there is to it. I could go on about other things to...but just know that He has been taking care me...better than anyone on this earth ever could have. I don't have an angry bear to face everyday when I'm driving towards home either...and that feeling of relief I feel is so wonderful.
You see...I am not feeling 'abandoned'...or that God does not love me...I know He does...in so many ways. You can feel confident that I am not going run and do something stupid (which may have happened at other times in my life) I am very content by myself with the Lord. It's really the Lord that you should feel pity for...He has been the one hurting the most in our relationship...I have gotten everything...Him virtually nothing.
Phil 1:6 - ... being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ; NKJV
His promises are true when we follow His truth to the day He comes for us and wants to make us His bride.
Sister Shirley, GOD bless you. I believe GOD is training you to become more closer to HIM and
making you mature. Remember Paul ? He said he is contempt at any situation, whether he is hungry or when he
is full. This is because of his faith in Christ. We must become mature and need to be able to
depend on him, regardless what situation we are in.. Through these training we mature..
Most people, when they are well off do not seek GOD but only in desperate times. Well, GOD wants
us to seek him whatever situation we are currently in. Didn't Jesus said you are worth more than
two sparrows ? He has his eyes on us all the time and concerns over our well being, knowing our fears, worries
and if we just let him have the handle on our lives, he will take care of us. Stay strong and
give GLORY to GOD in whatever situation you are in..He knows more than what we think..
God Bless .