"I'm a Pastor's wife." Even as I type those words I feel sick to my stomach because I don't live up to the ideal. I am so flawed, in so many ways, that I feel like a double agent. Almost like a wolf in sheep's clothing. My spiritual growth is becoming stagnant. I feel so disconnected from everyone around me. My husband, my children, my church. I can't seem to get back to that feeling I had at salvation and how on fire I was for God. I have lost the "romance" with Jesus. I feel like I am just treading water and about to drown. I haven't read my Word in days. I haven't really worshipped the way I should in a very long time. I'm so focused on the busy-ness of church that I am completely distant from God. When I sing in the praise band I"m not singing to the King, I'm singing to get through and sit down. When my husband preaches I feel like I'm in a bubble and half of what he says I don't remember. I'm struggling so hard to stay afloat and to not let my guard down. I can't be the Pastor's wife and have a nervous breakdown at the altar on Sunday. How would that look? I'm not seeking pity and I don't mean to whine but I am so depressed and I feel like I can't talk to anyone around me. I am starting to feel a sense of panic deep inside that I may not be saved. If I were saved would I feel this way???? If I were saved by the blood would I feel so depressed and alone? Wouldn't I have a ravenous desire to read God's Word, to pray, to worship, to fellowship? I feel like I have no individuality in my life. I am "the Pastor's wife" and everything I do reflects on him. I don't ever want to bring him shame or humiliate him. I need to be strong for him and to lift him up because dealing with a congregation is so hard sometimes. Who is going to hold me up? Be strong for me? I feel so useless and empty. Please pray for me. -Marilyn
You are in the wilderness. Just like Christ was when Satan tempted Him. You are exposed. There is nowhere to hide. This is where the Lord wants you right now. This is where Satan will tempt you as well, tempt you to give up your faith.
This is a battle for your soul. Satan would love to win you back to him. He would love to see you fall under the weight of your doubts and fears. But there are legions of angels fighting for you. There are strong believers that will pray and fight for you as well. You are not alone in this battle.
You know what it is like to serve the evil one. You know what that life means. And you know that there is no way that you can go back there. Like Simon Peter answered to Jesus, "Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life." But still you must pass through this exposed time.
Everything must be stripped away from you to reveal and strengthen what is truly sanctified - thus your wilderness experience. Your emotional/psychological connections to family and church and even the romantic feeling for the Lord: all this must be stripped away. All earthly shelters and crutches must be done away with in your spiritual life to reveal the solid bedrock that lies beneath. Not that family and church are by nature wrong, but if they somehow take away from complete dependence upon the Lord then they must be put in their proper place.
Once you have completed this journey, you will know, once again, where there is true shelter. In His arms. Like a little baby that snuggles up to their parent, you will snuggle up next to the Savior again - protected and totally dependent upon Him. It won't be a 'wow' romantic experience. It will be a sense of peace, comfort and coming home.
But first you must pass through the wilderness. Don't hurry through. Be patient.
I will be praying for you daily.
Grace, blessings, and strength to you,
Dearest Marilyn, At the huge risk of sounding unspiritual here, you said two things that caused me to sit up straighter: depressed and panic. Honey, you may be depressed and in addition to the many valid reasons, also there may be a physical cause. Do you have a doctor you can schedule an appointment to see? In my years of women's ministry I have known many strong, outstanding Christian women who suffer from depression and the enemy works overtime to convince them that one cannot be Christian and depressed at the same time. That, dear one, is a lie from Satan. I will pray for your wisdom and that the Lord would guide you here. If you would like to, you can go to WebMd.com and check the depression symptoms to see if any apply to you.
YSIC (Your sister in Christ)
There is a song that I listen to when I walk that "brings me back". It might not minister to you the way it does to me, but it is worth a try. It is Waterfall by Salvador.
I can't post the lyrics here but listen to it and it might help. You can at least google search the lyrics and see if it is something that might help you. I don't think that any calling, pastor's wife, mom, teacher, precludes us from going through the wilderness. We all do and it is by clinging on to Him and going through it that we can be renewed by His Spirit once again. Hang in there, God is good...all the time.
Don't doubt in the dark what you were told in the light. If you've felt the peace and love that God gives us then, beloved, you are His child. I know that this is a hard time for you and believe me I've been through some hard hard times. I do know that these hard times we face will not compare with the glory God has for us. Also, demoralization is one of satan's biggest weapons. You are feeling alone and God sometimes brings us out into the desert before he gives us back our vineyards. Praise the Lord he is still working on you. This is the time when you have to move forward, in absence of feelings, and act and know that feelings will follow.
I read your bio and praise the Lord He had bought you out of your previous bondage. You were involved in satanic activity before meeting the Lord and now as a pastor's wife you are in a position to do great work for the kingdom. the devil doesn't like that. It's not surprising you are having oppression of this nature. GOOD NEWS. Our God is bigger than our enemy. Pray that the Lord bring you out of this sanctified and more like Christ. Don't give in to the enemy and the flesh's schemes to keep you from going forward in spirit and truth and helping others around you. Know you are a child of the Lord. Know what He can do through you. You are in my prayers.
It sounds as if you are in a valley and going through testing. I know pastors wives have it difficult. A certain level of expectation and so many women are afraid to befriend them because they think they are somehow above them when really you are no different, your hubby just happens to be a pastor. I know by my own experience I have been sort of "afraid" of the pastor's wife in the past. You need friendship and companionship like everyone else, someone to share your troubles and concerns with, someone to pray with you and encourage you. We can be there for you through the internet! I'd like to give ya a big hug right now and just encourage you to press on. satan wnats you doubt your salvation, but remember we all go through dry spells and I think it is just part of your Christian walk, it is the dry spells that strengthen our faith as we press forward in faith and not by how we feel. Just keep walking, just keep believing, just keep your eyes forward with your arms stretched for the goal. I know it hurts and I know how lonely it is but press on dear sister. The Lord is with you and we'll be by your side too. I will lift you up in prayer and send my (((HUGS))) to you as well. Blessings, Andrea
This post, as well as your testimony, has deeply touched me. I can't help but agree with all the comments above about your being in the wilderness and, quite possibly, being tested and pulled by Satan. Afterall, you were once a powerful force of his ... and he'd like you back. I'm also struck with the fact that your conversion happened around this time. (Your birthday ... Mother's Day) Perhaps that has something to do with what's happening right now in your life.
Please -- re-read your own testimony. It's very powerful ... by re-reading it, you may see (in a new way) all the work Christ has done in your life ... which will help to give you strength to make it through this difficult time. Of course all of our prayers, on your behalf, will also be helpful.
Keep the faith, dear sister. You're one of God's precious children ... and he's holding you in his hand, even though you may not realize it.
((Hugs)) and prayers,
I think BECAUSE you are a PW, you are going through this. I know I have gone through similar times. (actually I'm in one of those times right now). It seems like the church expects us to be this perfect little ideal, yet we are just people like everyone else. We struggle, but somehow the church doesn't think we should be 'allowed' to struggle-- or at the very least they don't want to know about it.
I have no sage words of advice here, but I will definitely keep you in prayer.