These past weeks have been some of the most difficult and frustration times that I have encounter to hear the voice of the Holy Spirit. Since being diagnosed with active prostate cancer I now have to decide the treatment course. Whereas I had assumed the health professionals would be of great assistance in this process, they have been careful not to be forthcoming with their recommendations.
They have given me books to read which set out the risks and benefits of either the only two choices available. Neither courses to eradicate the cancer is better than the other as both have short and long-term complications; in fact it is not really a choice at all.
Into the midst of this conundrum, Gods voice is real hard to hear. I had been hoping for an angelic visit or some such 'word in the sky' direction, but I have been hearing conflicting directions. Up to this point I had prided myself on knowing the voice of the Good Shepherd. Perhaps pride was the incorrect attitude. But of more serious issue was the focusing on the cancer booklet causing my thoughts to be focused on an 'earthly' level. Having acknowledged the danger of becoming obsessed with the medical options I found it hard to eliminate these thoughts from my waiting on the Lord for his word.
Hence I have been oscillating forward and backwards between two options, but I am convinced that one option is the Lords pathway. Why is it so difficult to hear clearly in this instance? I know the answer and it revolves around me. I am also fearful of making the wrong call.
I am convinced that the Lord is faithful, and he has been so; so good to me and he will continue to do so. Hence I will sing of the goodness of God. I will praise him for his faithfulness.
Know therefore that the LORD your God is God; he is the faithful God, keeping his covenant of love to a thousand generations of those who love him and keep his commandments. Dt. 7
Halleluiah sing a little louder for when one is in worship mode, one hears the voice of the Holy Spirit so much clearer, sharper and distinct.
Almost 12 years ago, I learned that same lesson. Unlike other times, when a physician seems to "help" you make decision treatments, it is different with cancer. I learned that right away and like you said, it is scary and even gut-wrenching because you simply do not know what to do. With cancer, the course of treatment you choose is a very personal one because quite frankly, what works for one person can have a very different outcome for someone else who seems to have the exact same prognosis. It is a loose cannon. That's why they tend to step back and not try to influence you one way or another. I found myself second-guessing myself because in addition to treatment like chemo and radiation, I also had to decide things like lumpectomy, mastectomy, double-mastectomy, reconstruction, etc. I wanted to make the right choice for making the wrong one could mean my life. At the same time, I simply did not know. I finally decided I could not second-guess myself. I could only try to make the best decision based on the information I had and trust God to do the rest. You must take it one step at a time and trust that God is leading you.