This is going to be a hard one. When my son was two years old my husband and I began trying to have another child. We both would so much love to have another child. My son is five and-a-half now. It has been over three years. What a toll this has taken on our marriage. The first year was relatively laid back. We reasoned with ourselves that almost no one conceives the moment they decide to. No reason at all to get excited. After all, it is in God's timing, right? About eighteen months in, things began to grow tense. I would like to say that we were trying our hardest. But WE weren't. I began to notice things. He was always too tired. Or too sore. Not feeling well. This began a downward spiral of my thoughts. And of my attitude toward him. I would question and corner him. I would begin to manipulate. I was searching. Briefly, I wondered if he was having an affair. After observation and confrontation, that idea was thankfully discarded. No, it was clear that he just didn't want me. After all, what mid-20's married male doesn't leap at the chance to be intimate with his wife? Everywhere I would look I would see evidence that young men are hungry, yearning toward one thing. Except mine. Leaving me alone, bereft, rejected. Is there a more intimate pain? To be tied forever to someone who quite obviously rejects you? What torture. We once shared such joy and depth. Now, apparently, he couldn't bring himself to fulfill even the most basic of needs with me. When time after time I would be turned down in favor of sleep, rejection began to drown out his affirmations that he found me beautiful, wanted. Time after time after time the pain of his actions cut me deeply. Yes, it was quite clear that I was married to someone who didn't want me. I am unwanted. Throughout this, I had become more and more convinced that God also viewed me as unfit. Unfit to be a mother. I have always been a stay-at-home mom. I have poured myself into raising my son. Into doing what I can to shape him into the best that he can be. He is in kindergarten. He has been sent to the principle's office many times. Unfit. Not worthy to be a mother. Not worthy. No good. In pursuit of baby, we discovered 6 months ago that my husband is having some health issues. Health issues that would affect how tired he is, how sore he is... It has been an arduous process for my husband, but gradually things are becoming better. Hearing this news has added fuel to the fire. A baby is what we hope for. The melting snow and the robin on my lawn are signs of a possible spring. Likewise, I have been showing signs of a possibility. Oh, how our hopes were raised! Oh what excited chatter! The planning in hushed tones! "We will have to build an addition..." The hugs of exultation! And half-hearted attempts to remind ourselves this is only a possibility. It was dark this morning when I found out. My bare toes curled against the cold linoleum of my bathroom floor as I held the test. Negative. No baby. I moved on with my morning routine. I could hear rain spattering on our tin roof. The darkness of the morning thinned out to a watery gray. I collapsed on the floor. The cold, rainy sunrise was my hope. Gray. Dim. Weak. Dull. Pale. And then, I heard a bird singing. I did not know that birds sang in the rain. It was not calling. It was singing.
Thank you for sharing your vulnerabilities with such grace.
Not sure if this helps, there was a lady in our church, who apparently had gone through a lot of problems, and suffered a great deal, when our pastor spoke to her, she said along the lines of it is possible that this life will be a time of trial and suffering for me, and I will never get what I really want here, but I have an eternal hope in Jesus and I will have all that I will want or need in Heaven.
I pray that you would have the desires of your heart, and another child, but you know that God's love for you has not changed, that the sacrifice Jesus made on the cross has not changed, that he loves you and he is already using your pain for his glory.
Hope my feeble words can help, let us sing of the praises of our God together!
1 John 1:9
Thank you for sharing your story. God has His purpose and perfect timing for a reason. I hope you find this encouraging. My daughter had been told for years she could not have a child. At age 38 (two years ago) she miraculously conceived and gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. I now get to enjoy "Joshua" everyday and believe God has His hand on this child for a special purpose. Never abandon hope for Christ is our strength and hope in all things. With God ALL things are possible. -S-
This was a beautiful, and hard, post to read. I can not understand what you are going through... that is not possible. All I can say is that there is ONE that does...
Saying a prayer for you and your family,
Wow, I don't know how to answer a blog like this. Im sitting here in my living room and I am stunned into silence at how you have emptied all of your hopes, dreams and pain into a few short paragraphs.
Your writing is amazing, it speaks of a raw pain that I can only pray God will take from you soon.
I am re-reading that verse you shared:
[q]But as for me, I will sing about your power. Each morning I will sing with joy about your unfailing love. For you have been my refuge, a place of safety when I am in distress. - Psalm 59:16[/q]
[i]* K Princess gently slips her hand around the hand of Princess Who[/i]
Thank You and thank God for you. Faith is always tested and the love of God always win. Prayer changes things. What ever Father is preparing you for just rejoice and be glad in it. Don't plow wickedness: is a verse that came to mind. Oh but God is the Lord of a broken heart. Yea when my own heart deceives me I pray that Father put me back on the right path. But be blessed.
It was a hard one. It is always uncomfortable sharing all of the things that are a part of life here in this world. Healing is in the acknowledging and the sharing, though. I will mention you and your family specifically in my prayers. God grant you His peace, which passes all, in this world. God Bless you.
Sister Whobelieve, yes many times God does not give us what we want at the time when we want it. Well, it's because He is God and He is the One who decides on all details of our lives. No one can fully understand why but we just have to let go and trust Him with all our heart. In times to come, you will see the wisdom of the delay and th wisdom when your prayer is answered.
So continue to be strong and brave. Draw strength from Him everyday and every moment until you can have the breakthrough that you want.
Thanks for sharing
From Hwa Silverpen
Like you, the path to a family was a difficult and sometimes extremely painful one for me. God blessed me with a daughter and he had his hand upon her from the beginning. She was but twelve when God spoke to me and told me that she was no longer my daughter, she was his servant. God - even to this day - overwhelms me as I see her life unfold. I cannot pretend to know what God has in your future but I do know the God who has your future and I know that you will be greatly blessed as you continue to seek his ways.
[quote] But as for me, I will sing about your power. Each morning I will sing with joy about your unfailing love. For you have been my refuge, a place of safety when I am in distress. - Psalm 59:16[/quote]
Dearest Sister, thank you for being open about you and your husband's struggle. I know it is painful for both of you. You know all the words; God is good; In His timing; I can do all things; but only His presence can comfort you. I pray you and your husband will find your places of refuge in Him and find real hope, real healing. I will not say I know how you feel because we never had to really try to conceive. But we did lose our second child. Crawl up into the Father's lap and He will take care of you. Then, you can take care of each other.
You wrote a comment in one of my old [link=http://www.christianblog.com/blog/lineman/what-does-like-a-child-mean/][u]blogs[/u][/link] a long time ago that may be an encouragement to you and so I share it with you here. You said:
[b]"More than a youth or an adult, a child has much more desire for their parent's time and attention. They frankly yearn for the interaction, even the instruction. I'm sure there are hundreds of times a day that my son, completely on his own volition, will climb up on my lap, bring me a book, call to me, act or say a certain thing because it makes me laugh, grab my hand to pull me into his activity, and so on. And he feels no strangeness or inhibition in asking me for anything from a tuna sandwich to a full-sized tractor (the joy of his heart). This is an example of how we are to be with God.
I think that it is also important to remember that just as my little son doesn't understand why I restrict him from going onto our normally quiet road, we don't always understand the boundaries that God has laid out for us. But God knows the pain and hurt that could/would happen by going or doing what we shouldn't, just as I understand that it might end alright once for him to go onto the road, but I don't want him getting comfortable going somewhere's that could end up killing him. And just as any loving parent does, God disciplines us when we rebelliously run out into the road, and may even tighten the boundary to not allowing us even to go to the end of the driveway..."[/b]
God knows what He is doing of course, and it may just be for your little guy to have more of your time rather than some kind of discipline for you or your husband.
I love the way you share with us and encourage us all by [u]your[/u] continued trust of Him even when things are tough.
Thanks & blessings,