My prison is small and old. Despite this, it is a gilded cage. Outside it is bound by waving meadows and a shining creek. Peace and beauty surround and confine. Within, it has every necessity and a few niceties. This is my dungeon. To be teased and tormented with tastes of loveliness and freedom. For while here, I have no choice in daily activities whatsoever. Those are chosen for me. I am alone. Solitude chokes me. I have two captors. One is large and burly. I will call him Mister. Mister is not unkind, but his view is that my being bound to him and his wishes are as a matter of course. The other is small, but his diminutive size does nothing to diminish his hold on me. I will call him Tornado. As part of my life-long sentence, I have been assigned certain duties to perform. I must tend and clean my cell, as well as the objects therein. I must prepare meals and clean up from them. Above all, I must care for my wardens. The tediousness of my responsibilities does much to undermine my concept of self-worth and hope. That is the reason for my attempts to escape… 7:35 AM - I am awakened by the slamming of doors followed by elbows and knees being dug into my body. Tornado is upon me. He thrashes around beside me in bed until he demands that I get up and help him with his bathroom duties. 8:02 AM- Mister informs me that he will be taking a shower. Doesn’t notice my struggle to get Tornado distracted from his main form of entertainment. I am ready to get into the shower myself. This is just too bad for me, Mister has to leave, so has priority. 8:15 AM- I try and hide in my room. A resounding crash brings me out of my room. The living area is trashed. Tornado strikes again! I pick up 1,001 articles of debris. Mister hollers inane questions from the shower that server to drive home the futility of this action. Notes to self that the carpet needs vacuuming. 8:32 AM- Manage to get Tornado to sit for primary meal of the day. He disputes my choice of fare. I take a grim satisfaction that he has no choice in the matter. He teaches me a lesson by distributing his meal all over the table and his own person. Mister and I pretend to discuss our meager financial decisions. This only breeds resentment. 8:45 AM- Mister vacates the area in the only vehicle. I am now left alone with Tornado and truly physically trapped and isolated. I try to distract myself by struggling to clothe Tornado, a truly useless action. *8:57 AM- I make first escape attempt. This is where I run to most often and where I find the most diversion and enjoyment. I open the portal to this world and immerse myself in it. It is a world of thousands of places, people and activities. Occasionally I am caught once again by Tornado and brought back to my prison. Every return visit I am nagged by guilt and unfinished duties. I run back to my escape… 12:03 PM- Tornado’s angry demands force me to make a prolonged return. I land with a bump, then I make as simple a secondary meal for him as I can manage. Maybe I am clothed, maybe I am still in my nighttime attire. It doesn’t matter. Nothing I do matters. I receive a call from Mister. Is he calling because he cares or to check up on me? He tells me of his day, and I simmer with envy. Mister is out in the world, talking to people and going places… I am isolated and confined. *12:34 PM - Attempt to once again re-enter portal. I manage it, but I have an unpleasant sensation in my stomach. My mind constantly brings me reminders of the full sink and dirty carpet. I shove them aside in contempt and continue. 1:43 PM- Escape foiled! Tornado can no longer be contained! He threatens to spiral out of control if not given vent to his energies. He delivers punishment- we must go outside! 3:30 PM- I consider making another dash for it, but the time and the state of the domicile gives me pause. Mister will be home soon. I make a half-hearted dashed attempt at accomplishing some chores. Doing them gives me a small satisfaction that is immediately squelched by remembering how menial and futile they are. 4:07 PM- Mister returns home. I resent him deeply. I consider making a run for it with the vehicle. No use. Mister has plans for the vehicle and for me. Tornado must still be accompanied. Should Mister do it? No, he has better things to do. His time is, after all, limited. 5:30 PM- Make tertiary meal. What little enjoyment I have in creating it is overshadowed with increased feelings of resentment, envy, uselessness, and self-disappointment. *7:00 PM- Desirous of escape into portal again, but incapable. Mister has taken it over! Grimly, I resort to Word World or choose a World of romance and action… These territories are wonderful but I am easily jerked out of them by Mister or Tornado. *9:13 PM- Tornado is channeled into his bed, after yet another cursory cleaning and organizing session. Once in bed, I want to fully enjoy his time of slumber. Mister rarely infringes, so I take advantage by running full throttle into one of the Worlds… 10:56 PM- I must go to bed. I have no choice. Tornado has no sympathy for late bedtimes. With a great deal of disappointment and regret for yet another wasted day, I struggle with feelings of inadequacy, loneliness, and misery. *11:04 PM- I run away from my feelings and my captors with Mr. Sandman…. 2:33 AM- I am awakened by Tornado and reminded that I am never free… There are a lot of things that can be seen by these events. Many lessons and insights that need to be learned. And so I turn, and run away…
Lord God, I lift my sister up to You and ask that Your Spirit will make Himself known inside that God-shaped hole You have designed into all of us. Help Whobelieve to know Your presence in her, around her and through her. Show her that Mister's taking her for granted and Tornado's demands on her do nothing to diminish Your mercy, love and grace for her. And let her know that there are at least three of us so far who are there with her in spirit and in compassion. Thank You that she had the courage and the candor to tell us what is burdening her heart. May our love make the burden a little lighter. In Jesus' name and to Your glory. Amen
Sounds like quite a mission field God has you in at present, good to know we can relate to someone here. Thank you for your comment you placed in my blog. I had been out in an alone spot having a pity session with God, He brought that scripture to my mind and gave me revelation of my own shortcomings sometimes as I question things. He is God, He has a purpose in everything, one we may not see, just as they could not. They had the knowledge, but still could not see and believe. We as christians know what happened there, and why. But still, at times, in our walk as followers, are sometimes blind to the "whys" and "whats" of His leading of our lives. Anyhow, loved your blog, and God give you strength as the "tornado" grows!
oh wb, how I wish I could come and rescue you from your prison for an hour or two. I completely understand how you feel. My prison is similar to yours but now I have to labor even more. I am forced to work outside the home and am expected to get every thing at home done and nuture my kids. I just want to escape. We are all in some type of prison. I am sure Mister feels he is in a prison of some type. I am praying for you. (Don't forget Sunday is coming)
Your sister in Christ,
Thank you so much for your comments...
Jack, I have to say I was a bit startled to see that you had commented. I find your blogs to be so much more learned and insightful than anything I could write, it never ocurred to me that we had a common ground.. Thank you for that.
Metamorphosis, thank you so much for the beautiful prayer.
Standingalone, thank you for the encouragement, it is so easy to get mired down in the now and not look forward to the future. This is transient!
Billyb, thanks again for the reminder! I forget that I am in a mission field, too...
Angel, my dear friend! I feel somewhat ashamed that you should read this and feel sorry for me after everything you go through. It is so hard for you that you have to work now too!! (that goes for you too Standingalone!) You are right about Mister, of course. Sunday is coming soon!
Having never been a parent and being divorced since 1981 I take for granted the freedom I have in solitude. Just me, my cat, and God. Thank you for sharing a portrait of what you are going through. Yes, you are right, this is transient. Fight the best you can and when you can't, find a way to let God fight for you. And look forward to the future date when 'Tornado' will be of schooling age. I will be praying for you.
Sweetheart, know that you are not alone. I know there is no point in saying that this too will pass, because at the moment it probably seems like there will never be an end. but trust us when we say, it will pass.
Darling I hear you loud and clear, and If i could drive over and make you a cuppa and sit and talk with you I would.
sometimes though the "mister" in our lives just doesn't understand what life inside the walls of the house are like. Much in the same way there are times we too do not understand what it is like for them to have to work and bring home a wage.
but sweetheart, you have brought me to tears. Know this my precious Wb, God loves you with a passion. he tells you to lean on him, allow him to be your husband and your comfort. Allow him to take you in his arms and comfort you. And know that we love you, and each time you open the portal to this world you let a little sun shine in.
All my love and hugs.
Honey, you should never feel ashamed, we all have been there in some kind of way! I only want to be an encouragement to you! God made you a wonderful strong wife and mother! You can do it, I know and believe you can. If you only knew what a wonderful role model you are to me you would have no doubt in your mind. Keep your focus on God and always remember "Sunday is coming" love you bunches, angel
I just stumbled upon your blog threw [i]random blog[/i] and can I say that I can relate. I too am a stay at home mom, with 2 little ones that I love dearly but there are times that I am out of my mind. I crave adult conversations, I wonder if it all matters, there are very few thank you's if at all. There are house chores to be done, a farm of chores to be done, there are errands to be run, schooling that needs to take place, and at times my husband will make an off hand comment about why this or that was not accomplished in the course of my day, you know with all of my free time.
But I see my children and how bright they are, how full of love for the Lord they are, how confident they are, how happy they are and I know that yes it does matter. My son who is 5 said to me the other day that one of his friends Mom's works, that's crazy were his exact words. They may not realize the sacrifice that has been made for them right now but one day they will. My husband sees my job as a low stress job until I take a ME day and he is alone doing [i]nothing[/i] then in all sinks in. I don't take them often but I find that I am a better Mommy and Wife when I take a little time for myself.
You are not alone, there are many days that I feel like I am just surviving the chaos around me. But there are other days that I see that yes it does matter.
God Bless and thank you for sharing from you heart.