I just feel like writing, and letting some of the things inside of me out to you wonderful people who are wiser than me and so good at praying. Please be forwarned that I'm being very vulnerable right now... I am a Christian. I believe everything the Bible says, and I have asked Jesus to be Lord of my life. Ok, I believe everything the Bible says, but a lot of times in my life I don't act like it. For instance, I know that God many times in the Bible has rescued people who have called out to Him. But I spend a lot of my time wishing that God would fight for me a bit, I just don't see it happening. Ok, yeah, a lot of people would say something to the effect of, maybe there is something in my heart or my life that is obstructing Him, like sin or disbelief. I don't buy it, because I am all the time confessing my sins to him and trying to turn away from them, and I believe really that if God wanted to fight for me, He would. I feel that He doesn't think I'm worth speaking to, not worth using, not worth rescuing. Here is something else random. Sometimes I'm really convinced I am crazy. I have wild and crazy mood swings. I think dangerous and crazy thoughts. Like maybe the one above? I just don't think I can be fixed. I have been going to counselling with my Pastor, as many of you know, and trying to do the homework and things he assigns, and it just isn't working. I'm still nuts. And hurting. And the way I do things just proves to me over and over that I am not even worth fixing! Such a procrastinator, so selfish... I believe that it is just as easy to believe that I'm crazy as it is to believe that I may be controlled by Satan at times because I am not always kind, not always honest. That's just great. Ok, here is something totally unrelated that I'm also going to write about in here. Do not be an "EGR" (Extra Grace Required) kind of person. The kind of person that other people need to pray to God in repentence and guidance about in order to respond properly. The kind of person who is grating and presumptive and abrasive and overbearing. I've learned the hard way that is a quick way to get lonely and be avoided. I think I'm going to quit my counselling. Like I said, it does not seem like it's working. I feel so trapped in so many ways. Trapped by my thoughts and behaviors. Trapped in this little house. Trapped by my son. Speaking of my son. I honestly feel like I'm going to ruin him. Seriously, just take a look at the things I have just written. Do you think that kind of person ought to be shaping and raising a child? My son, my son. He is so energetic, so stubborn, to the point of being aggressive. He is the kid that no one wants coming back for a visit. The one they refer to as a monster. And I know it is my fault. I see so much of me in him, and it really terrifies me. If I can't get me under control, how am I supposed to guide and help him? I am convinced that someone other than me would do such a better job caring for him. Sometimes I wonder if God gave him to me to show me how horrid I am? I just want to get away. To go somewhere's else. But mostly, I don't want to be me any more. I see so many people who are so wonderful. People who want to get better. People that God is using. Honestly, I am incredibly jealous. Anything I think God is trying to use me in, I always mess it up. So I don't try and do much for Him any more, because I just know I'm going to ruin it. Ok, now everyone knows how messed up I am. I understand if you don't want to be my friend anymore. I'm not sad all the time, nor do I think stupid thoughts like these all the time. Just a lot of the time. God help me! Why won't you help me?
Ok, yeah, reading through this again, it strikes me how pathetic I am. People out there that are really going through incredibly difficult things, and here I am crying "woe is me." ugh.
Wb, you are such a wonderful person. Don't let the devil convince you that you are crazy. I know you aren't. Paulie is going to turn out fine wb, he is just a typical two year old, alex is the same way so I completely understand. It is bad when his own grandparents don't want to watch him for more than an hour and call him a tornado. Now you see why I say they are just alike. You are not going to ruin him. We all have our days like these. Remember the story I told you in chat. Sunday is coming!!!! Please continue the counciling, you may not feel like it is working but you are seeking the Lord. You may not know his ways but He is working in you. Maybe what you are learning now in counciling you will use to help others who are going through the same thing.
Much love, your sister in christ,
WB...Keep the faith of our Lord and JESUS CHRIST...here are some verses I hope will help you be encourged by the word of our Lord JESUS ...for its only in him we can get through this life.
2 Corinthians 4:8-18
I do pray WB ...that God will let you know through his word...he said he will never leave nor forsake us...but WE must hold to his unchanging hands in faith and believe....love you in Christ Jesus ....AJ
Don't you ever think we are less than perfect or that you aren't worth "fixing"! You can't ever step outside God's will! I'm not sure why you are having a tough go of it, but WB, there WILL be a light at the end of the tunnel! Just don't give up faith.
WB, I've walked down this path, and it's a lonely one. But you know what? Jesus walked this very same path too. Tell Him what you think. Just talk.
Ah Wb, listen to me sweetheart. I always said if I had had my son first there would have been no more. Boys have a tendency to be slightly aggressive in their behaviour. Even mine who at times has no breath to speak of but still manages to tear the place apart. But look, God uses our kids personalities for his kingdom. So maybe he has earmarked your son to be a champion of the gospel, and he would need a stubborn nature to withstand the slings of the world. So you give God thanks that he has given your son his nature hon.
Sometimes Wb when you see people who are wonderful, you are not really seeing them at all. We are all so good at putting on a front, hiding behind a smile, and crying behind a laugh.
But you , you my darling girl are neither crazy, controlled by satan nor useless. Satan just wants you to think that., and we know that there is no truth in him.. don't we? So when you get those thoughts that tell you youare crazy, selfish, you KNOW they don't come from God and if they dont come from God, who are they coming from? And we KNOW he is a liar from the beginning.
Sweetheart listen... Do NOT quit your counselling. perserve and you will see the reward, that I promise you.
Ok one more thing.. . [quote]I understand if you don't want to be my friend anymore. [/quote].. babe, Im not even going to go there.. but you know what im thinking!!!
Wb, you are worth more than rubies, to God your wealth can only be measured in the scars on his sons hands and feet.
You hang in there darling, one day soon you will look up and you will be in green pastures again.. I promise you.
man, i truely wanna just lean through my computer and give u the biggest hug ever, and just sit with u and hold ur hand and all them cool things.
WB. i love u ever sooo much. just the way you are, and for who you are! hon, we dont deserve u at ur best, if we cant walk with you through you worst. WB. i know uve probably been told this a million times, but lovely, even when we are at witts end with everything going on around us, when we feel like the world has turned its back on is, even when we feel like we have nothing more too give, call upon the name of the Lord. His word promises that he will never leave us. I know its easier said then done, but babe, there will be better days. U just gotta trust me, Ive been where u are, i know what its like to walk a long lonesome road, but im now walking proof that God pulls us from the miry clay into them green pastures. WB, He hears your heart. he feels your pain, and im not sure why he lets people hurt, but i know that He will walk with you through it all. and you will come out of this all, and look back and realise just how much God has changed you and used you during this time.
Wb. U truely are an inspiring young lady, with a tremendous heart for people and for God. People like you are rare, and therefor, we should hold onto them always. know that im here praying for ya, I love you lots and lots and lots.
Always and forever.
Don't be afraid, for I am with you.
Do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you. I will help you.
I will uphold you with my victorious right hand.
WB, you haven't said anything I haven't felt and believed at one time or another. One of my biggest struggles is in trusting God. Except that I really do trust Him, I just don't know how bad it's going to hurt for me to trust Him and follow Him. I mean, believers go through terrible trials and I don't want to. I'm chicken. What if He wants me to endure physical pain? Or bankruptcy? Man, I know He knows best but I don't want to do that.
But I will if He wants me to. I love that song by Ginny Owens "I'll Walk Through That Valley if You Want Me To"
You're not alone. I understand you feeling trapped, so does God. So does satan, and he's maximizing his chance to discourage you here.
We're works in progress. But remember too, that God transcends all time. He sees you as the finished product. He sees what you will be when He's finished. He loves you.
WB, after reading Sir Galahad's post (as he suggested, LOL!) I had to come back here to you. I want to share with you a tool that has helped me through rough times when my thought life takes on a life of its own. The idea is not mine, I got it straight from Beth Moore in one of her studies.
Spend 75 cents and buy a pack of index cards that are spiral bound at the top. Of course you don't have to do this, but it does make this little tool very portable. Pray and ask God to show you Scripture verses to counteract the negative thoughts the enemy is having fun with you by using. Write each verse, word for word, on a page in your little index card book. Carry that book with you everywhere. Purse, pocket, kitchen counter (you can make it stand up). Carry it in the bathroom with you when you go and close the door -- oh, maybe your little one is too young for a closed bathroom door. (I think what most people without small children don't realize is that you can't even go to the bathroom by yourself with the door closed when you have children. There's something really demoralizing about that, sitting on your, ahem, throne, only to have the door burst open and someone staring at you saying mommy, what are you doing? Mommy, I need help. Mommy, I spilled my red paint.)
But I digress.
Carry this little book with you everywhere and every time a thought begins to creep its way into your mind, whip it out and begin reading. Negative thought patterns can and must be replaced. I call it taking every thought captive to Christ.
See my dear friend, You are not alone. Gracie, that is a good idea, I will use that one myself. I pray that all the comments do help. You are such a blessing to all of us and I personally want to thank you for sharing this with us. I know that I will be praying for you and you will be praying for me as we are in the same boat. Be blessed my beautiful dear friend.
I had to take a little extra time before replying than I usually do because I am so overwhelmed by the responses... I was right, you really are wonderful people.
How can I thank you all for these things you have written to me that are so encouraging? How can I express the reaction of my heart to your concern, advice, and kind words? For someone who is going through these things to read these accounts of shared dificulties, and these snippets of scriptures, and these uplifting words it really is like going into a dark room and taking the basket off of the lit lamp in the center.
Thank you all, from the bottom of my heart. My friends. How relieving to be able to say that.
Sunday is coming soon. Greener pastures...
Be strong and keep fighting Satan for God says that he will not give us more than we can bear and we are all here for you and anytime that I can I'll talk to you about anything. I love You and pray for you everyday.