My parents have always had a tumultuous marriage. I can't remember a single week when I was growing up that there wasn't an argument between them. Very often it was a very loud, long argument. Sometimes dishes were broken. They have always stayed together, though. Their most recent anniversary was 34 years. It was a regular thing that the conclusion of these arguments was the sound of my dad slamming the front door and speeding up our driveway in the car. He was never gone very long. Certainly never more than a few hours. One time, when I was probably around 7, things were worse than usual between my parents. Dad said he was going to go away and not come back this time. He actually started packing. He had never done that before. I remember we were getting ready to sit down to supper, and I went to him in his bedroomon on the pretext of telling him it was time to eat. What I actually did was hug him and beg him to please stay. Obviously, he did. I never did find out the reason he stayed. I was told many years later, though, that I was the only one out of one wife and six kids to ask him to stay. I don't know if this kind of occurrence during my childhood is part of why I hate it so much when people leave. I am certain that everyone to a degree has difficulty with being separated from people they love. I first noticed my rather extreme reaction to those I love leaving after my younger brother went into the Navy. Looking back, I can see that I acted similarly when one of my older sisters went into the Navy. But, it was when Andrew went in that I became aware of how I would act and feel after every time he would come home. I am not fit to be around. I am very short-tempered. Cranky. Grouchy. Weepy. Wound up and high strung. Very sharp with my tongue. I long desperately for some comfort, but I am so miserable I drive my nearest and dearest, my husband away. If you are lucky enough not to be as close to me as he is, all you see is that I'm more short than usual, much more quiet, and much more busy. Picking this up, putting that away, wiping this off... I do not do much for eye contact... I have had a lot of people leaving this week. My gramma, the one I have written of before, the only grandparent I had left, died this past Sunday. She had recently gone into the hospital because of aspiration pneumonia and a small intestinal blockage. When she returned, she still had the pneumonia a bit. I believe my gramma was too worn out to keep on trying to live. She ate very very little and drank even less. At 11:10am on Sunday morning, with my mom by her side, she left. The big exit. My brain knows that God didn't take her home to hurt me. My brain understands that it was time for her to leave her weak, useless body and her diseased mind behind for the joy of heaven. I get that. But, she still left. As a matter of course, my father made sure that all of his children were able to come home. It was no problem for me whatsoever. I live very close to my parents, much closer than any of my other siblings, and not necessarily by my choice as I have always wanted to travel, I might add, but, there I am. But, I digress. One of my sisters flew in from Chicago. Andrew flew in from the Great Lakes base. Another of my sisters drove up from an hour away and stayed with my parents. My oldest brother visited as much as he could before he had to leave for many many many miles away. My oldest sister was present for the calling hours and the funeral, driving an hour and a half one way for each. I was sorrounded with my family. And then they all left. Well, of course they did. They had to. They have homes, duties, and all but one have spouses and families of their own. Their jobs. But, they're gone now. And I hurt. Such a whirl of emotion. Pain, anger, sorrow, jealousy. Mostly anger. There's a dash of frustration. I'm spacy, short-tempered, with occaisional bouts of ranting. I weep at random moments. And I do what I can to keep people at a distance, not letting them know or see this. Well, except, now you know. I guess that's allowed because I can't see you and you can't see me. My head knows that I'm not the only one suffering this. My mind knows that everyone that lost gramma is hurting. I understand it is not easy for my family to separate themselves. I can comprehend that everyone on this earth experiences some level of loss, of lonliness, of longing, of feeling abandoned. But, I wish they didn't go. God, I have never been good at knowing for a certainty that you are here with me. It's another situation where my brain knows that you are here. But my heart is clueless. Let me know...
I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. If I could, I would give you a huge hug because that's all I really know what to do when people feel sad. Sometimes that enough but since I can't give you a real hug other than hugging my computer and having my parents look at me strangely, I'll say this: This too shall pass. I'm not sure if that's comforting or not but for now, it seems this is your time to grieve and perhaps forgive.
Ecc 3:1 To every thing there is a season, and a time for every purpose under the heavens:
Ecc 3:2 a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pull up what is planted;
Ecc 3:3 a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
Ecc 3:4 a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
Ecc 3:5 a time to throw away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
Ecc 3:6 a time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to throw away;
Ecc 3:7 a time to tear, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
Ecc 3:8 a time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.
But what do I know? I'm supposed to be just a teenager. :wink:
Some of the things you said drew me back to my childhood so I am, to an extent, aware of some of the pain. I pray that God will move into your heart and spirit and deal with the sense of abandonment that you feel. May you know the reality of his loving arms around you in an even greater way. I pray that you and your 'nearest and dearest' are able to walk this journey together as you continue to grow in Christ.
Be blessed my friend
The Lord's word to you is :
Mattheew 28: 20 Lo I am with you alway,even unto the end of the world. Amen.
Psalms 46:10 Be still and know that I am God
From God Calling :
I can touch your arm
Thy touch has still its ancient Power.
Yes! when you are quiet before Me I lay My hand upon each head, and Divine Spirit flows through that healing, powerful Touch into your very beings. Wait in silence before Me to feel that.
When you look to Me for guidance My Hand is laid upon your arm, a gentle Touch to point the way.
When in mental, physical, or spiritual weakness you cry to Me for healing, My Touch brings Strength and Healing, the renewal of your youth, the power to climb and strive.
When you faint by the way, and stumbling footsteps show human strength is waning, My Touch of the Strong and Helping Hand supports you on your Way.
Yes! My children, My touch has still its ancient Power, and that Power is promised to you. So go forward into the future bravely, and unafraid.
May you know His Presence as you remain still before Him.
Dear whobelieve--My dear sister, I won't lie to you and say that I know how you feel, because I don't. But I do remember how I felt when I lost my grandmother. She had been a major part of my growing up. When my parents got into a tiff, I could always go to Grandma's house to get away from the ruckus. But though I don't know quite how you feel, please know that I do care. And I agree with all of the other comments which went before mine. :) YBIChrist--Ron
Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of all
mercies and God of all comfort; who comforts us in all our affliction so
that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the
comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For just as the
sufferings of Christ are ours in abundance, so also our comfort is
abundant through Christ. 2 Corinthians 1:3-5 (NASB)
Oh dearest sister. I'm so sorry. I would love to be there all the time, but you know it cannot be. Tell your heart that, right? I feel you. Much of the time I know things in my mind; Wise things, and things of love or hope, but my heart will not agree, it cannot see what could be, what should be, sometimes even what is. I do know that for me, at least, memorizing scripture is the one way to help my heart understand. Just knowing the jist of it isn't good enough... something about memorizing it... studying it, pondering it, lets it be accepted by the heart. I love you and will pray for you.
I miss her too :,(