How do you really know if something is sent from God, or if it is just a happening? How do you know which things to attribute to God, and which are just the result of human choice? Are they one and the same? Was this really God working in my day, or am I reading too much into it? I don't think that for the first two months of my son's life that he was put down for more than an hour during the daytime hours. And I mean that quite literally. Most of the time it was me holding him. If I for some reason was not holding him, well, I was staying with my in-laws at the time, and there was always daddy or grandma or grandpa or auntie that wanted to hold him. Maybe that is why he never had it where part of the back of his head was bald or flattened? Maybe. Anyways, one night about two months in, Paulie was screaming and crying and yelling for the longest time, and I was ready to pull my hair out wondering what to do with him! Finally Steve came and took the baby from my arms and took him into the bedroom. Within moments, all was quiet and peaceful. Intrigued as to what my husband did to soothe Paulie, I peeked into the bedroom. Steve was standing a bit towards the bookcase, and a few feet away, in the middle of our bed, lay Paulie. He was laying out there, enjoying the luxury of being able to stretch and kick his little limbs in absolute freedom. For the longest time after that, my son didn't want to be held longer than it was necessary to nurse and be burped and fall asleep. No cuddling. No snuggling. I would have to get my fill of holding him after he fell asleep, but even then not for too long because he would wake up angry. Even now, he becomes frustrated when any kind of restriction is placed on him. But recently he has become a little more open to cuddling. If I am sitting already, he will come to me and sit on my lap, often wanting a blanket to add to the coziness. Unfortunately, for a few days things were decidedly aloof between my son and I. I think that both of us were fed up with the other. On my end I was tired of cleaning up BMs for 8 months from undies and the carpet, and on his end that I would fuss so much about it! Now to come to the point a bit. For a little while I have been a bit distanced from God. I guess I wanted some kind of affirmation from Him that he wants me specifically. Silly, I know. Anyways, it was the morning after having a terrible discussion with my brother that I was feeling especially forlorn and far away from God. Is there a more profound lonliness than that? I don't know. And I whispered one of the few truly heartfelt prayers I have uttered of late, asking God if he could please just give me a bit of a friendly nudge. Just something to know I was special to him. Shortly after that, I was putting a movie in for Paulie, when he says to me, "Dit, dit." (Sit, sit.) "You want me to sit with you?" And I just love the absolute firmness he can have- "Yes! Dit!" Well this was a surprise. So I sat on the couch, and he sat on my lap, and we snuggled under the blanket. And he proceeded to intermittantly just turn to me with hugs and kisses, over and over. I almost cried. But, my day didn't stop there. In my ladies small group Bible study, we are doing a Beth Moore study on the Psalms of Ascent(s). In it, for reasons that escape my memory, she had a paragraph about how it ok to have questions and even doubts about what God is doing. She said something to the effect that Christianity is the reasoning persons religion, citing the verse in Isaiah that says for us to come and reason together. Anyway, this phrase really resonated with me. Had I just been blindly putting my faith in God, or was I asking questions along the way? Now, I would say that asking questions is very good, even essential to growing ones faith into something real, something alive that is utilized every day. However, it is not a good thing when the questions and doubts lead you as far away from God as I was going, even looking at atheism as if it could arguably have merit. This is where I was later that same day, having built up to that point after a few weeks of wondering and wandering. I remember tears welling in my eyes as I swept my kitchen, and again whispering another of those rare sincere prayers- "But Lord, I don't want to not believe. I want you to be real!" Perhaps some of you remember from a previous blog how I have been introducing Paulie to God, by telling him God made the trees and the water and so on. Well, once again, it was shortly after speaking this heart-cry that Paulie came into the kitchen. "Dod? Dod?" Hmmm. Dod... Where have I heard that before? "God?" I asked him. "Yes! Dod." He repeated it a few times. "Yes. Dod. Dod. Dod. Yes." Then he asked me, "Dod, dirt?" I was stunned. Until this point, Paulie had never ever brought God up to me. It was always me starting the dialogue. Yet here he was, asking me about God making dirt. A pinprick of warm light shone into my heart. "Yes." I said to him, "God made dirt." So, here is the evidence. Draw your own conclusions.
Out of the mouth of babes. Sometimes we reason too much. Paulie knows there is a God because someone he trusts told him...that settles it for him. My conclusion is that God is using Paulie to remind you of Who you told Paulie about...the God Who made. How cool.
Who I am so glad you blogged about this! It seems dear little Paulie is growing up... and it's fun to "see" how much he grows! :)
Sweetheart, If god were not working in your day, then he would not be God. Darlin, he heard you and he answered you through the kisses and the simple words of your Son.
But Wb let me tell you this. My eldest Child had to be cuddled as a baby ALL the time. My middle child screamed the house down if you even tried to get anywhere close to her, and my son, sigh well my son is a law onto himself.
Honey, never be afraid to ask God a direct question. Never be afraid to ask him to remind you how much he loves you. Better to tell God your fears and your worries, than allow them to build within you and rob you of the Joy that is set aside for you.
all my love
Dear WB--I remember the day when I felt like God wasn't showing me enough affection. I was hurting and confused. So, I went down into a wooded area and looked straight up though a huge elm tree and screamed as loudly as I could: "God, what are You trying to do to me!!!???" In my soul, I heard a gentle voice responding, "Nothing. What are you trying to do to yourself?" Meaning: Why had I busied myself to the point where I was the one wo had no time for Him? It would be a lot of years before I realized when there is a distance between God and me, I'm the one who has moved. Great blog, my sister. ;) YBIChrist--Ron
Thank you all so much for your kind comments. Another touch of love from God, perhaps?
Would that we would always remember to ask God to give us a hug before we wander away.
Thanks again, each of you.
oh WB, how I have wept during this blog, if you could just see my keyboard, I am afraid it might have a malfunction soon. I have been there too. I have had doubts about what God was doing in my life. I have wanted the affection of Our Lord. I just wanted to be held and told that everything was going to be okay and that I do have a purpose. I feel ashamed that I didn't realize that God was holding me and telling me that everything was going to work out, cause He is in control. He gently brushed away my tears and held me. He is such a awesome Father to me. He knows just what we need and at that moment He knew you needed some confirmation that He was there and listening to your prayers and your heart. Paulie is getting to be such a big boy. Thank you Jesus for your wonderful children that so often remind us of your glory and power, your grace and mercy, and your love.