Just to warn you this blog might go in many different directions and I might not even point out the point I wanted to make in the beginning. Ok, on I go :) Some of you know our dear brother Pounders here on CB.. Well, me and him have become very close friends since the break up of my boyfriend in November. I have been struggling with being alone lately. I feel as if I have no one to talk to, no one to pour my heart to, no one to love. I have my family and I know I could work on loving them better, but it is like that one special person, like for Adam, it was Eve. Well, pounders texted me tonight and told me this : Holding in love makes us sick. Having no love kills us. Giving it away makes us alive. I have been thinking about this all night and it is so true. I feel sick because I am not giving out love, not trying to serve anyone, not doing things for others, I have been living for myself. But when I pour out love, especially in my friendship with pounders (no it is not a dating relationship.. please don't think that!) and my family, it makes me feel alive, it gives me hope and encouragment to keep pressing on. But I feel like something is still missing. Something, someone, that one special person, my Adam, to come. And I feel confident that God is going to bring him... Yesterday would have been my ex and my 2nd anniversary. It was hard to wake up and think of what yesterday would have been, but then God showed me this. "Don't think about what today could have been but see what today truly is, a day to honor Me." I remembered that all day and it helped me so much. Just because yesterday "WOULD HAVE BEEN" doesn't mean I can't use the day for God's glory. I am pretty much over my ex. Yeah, I miss our closeness, but I don't need him. I have accepted the fact that God doesn't want him in my life right now. I am ok with him doing whatever he is doing now. He is God's and I know that God will lead him. I still pray for him, but that is all. I can't let the breakup mess up my relationship with God. God is too important to me. Now... I feel like I am stuck in this "11th hour" waiting for the big event, but still dragging through this season. It is like I see the light, but I am not there yet. I want to rush it. But God holds me back and He tells me to hold on and just enjoy the ride. There is much to enjoy. I don't need to jump into the next relationship that is thrown at my feet, I tried that once, I just ended up doing something stupid. I need to enjoy the time being single where I can spend time with God every night before bed and just bask in His glory. I can do things that I probably wouldn't be able to do if I was dating someone. It is not a bad thing... And yet I see all this and I still feel alone. I still miss the companionship of a close friend, who will be there when I cry, who will be strong for me when I can't. But it is good to not have that because I can take that to God. Oh I am just a mess of thoughts.... Eleventh Hour, Winter, Brokenness leaving, But not soon enough. I want to rush the healing, Sleep through the pain, And wake up in perfect health. But things don't work that way. I want to see glory now, Dance in the warm rain, But I must live through the snow storm first. Cold bitter winter, You pull me down... But I should see your purpose, You protect the plants, give them rest, Heal their wounds. Oh, eleventh hour, You drag on and on, But this time is not worthless It has a purpose just like the next hour. I want it to all pass me by, not wanting to feel the sting of death, But how will I help others without knowledge? I don't want to walk through the valley, Would rather be on the top of the mountain, But I must get there first. Life isn't easy, It is full of hard times, Long nights, broken hearts, endless tears. It leaves you empty sometimes, Hurt and alone.. But there is a purpose for it yet. The eleventh hour will pass, Just as the winter ends to a wonderful spring, And I will look back to the winter Just to see how good it was for me.
Beautiful poem Sweetie. You touch on some real truths here, oh how we want to rush through the dark times in our lives when God has them there for His good purpose. If we rush through we just might miss the blessing, the treasure that is hidden within them.
I love you girl!
I'm glad your jumbled thoughts came out in the beautiful poem. and isn't it sweet to have a place like CB to process all that mish-mash of thoughts?
Hang in there, God knows his plans for you.