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0 words · ~1 minute to read · published
@shanijane
Shani Matthews @shanijane (Australia)
Sometimes, this thing happens in my head and heart, and it feels like the machine, which heretofore was chugging along the rails clickityclack, just flies completely off the track. Joy flees. Hope evaporates. Depression screams. The truth dies... read more
262 words · ~1 minute to read · published
@shanijane
Shani Matthews @shanijane (Australia)
September 10 is World Suicide Prevention Day so thought I would take an opportunity to write a blog which might make people feel uncomfortable. Obviously it s not my intention to do so but I honestly believe we need to be talking about it. A... read more
736 words · ~3 minutes to read · published
@shanijane
Shani Matthews @shanijane (Australia)
Just a heads up, this blog is about my experience with Panic Attacks. It s like a switch flicks off in my brain. My breathing picks up, and all of a sudden, the walls are closing in. I look down; the way my heart is thumping, I feel like you can... read more
573 words · ~2 minutes to read · published
@shanijane
Shani Matthews @shanijane (Australia)
I know I don t need approval from other people, however I have fallen into the trap of sometimes thinking I do. In saying that, I have always believed in doing things for myself and not others; because then I didn t do it for them, I did it for me.... read more
489 words · ~2 minutes to read · published
@shanijane
Shani Matthews @shanijane (Australia)
What does it mean to be brave? It means to take one more step. Out of bed. Out the door. Into work. It means to push anxiety to the side; daring to take another single breath, knowing the one after will come a little easier. To be brave is to... read more
592 words · ~2 minutes to read · published
@shanijane
Shani Matthews @shanijane (Australia)
I sit down at the seat in the corner the farthest away from people and check the time. 09:10 a.m. Five minutes until my appointment. Loud noises. People chatting. Kids screaming. Phones ringing. OK, breathe. You got this. It s OK. Hands... read more
468 words · ~2 minutes to read · published
@shanijane
Shani Matthews @shanijane (Australia)
Myhands start shaking.I cannot breathe.I know these feelings.I... read more
415 words · ~1 minute to read · published
@shanijane
Shani Matthews @shanijane (Australia)
It starts like an itch, and then my face is wet. It is not raining. The sky is clear, especially for this time of night. I am crying. Barely five minutes ago, I was fine. The depression drowns out the mania and sometimes they mix like a cocktail,... read more
312 words · ~1 minute to read · published
@shanijane
Shani Matthews @shanijane (Australia)
When people hear, I ve been admitted to the looney bin, their automatic response is usually to stutter, change the subject or frown apologetically. It isn t exactly typical water fountain conversation. The problem with this response is that it would... read more
1575 words · ~6 minutes to read · published
@shanijane
Shani Matthews @shanijane (Australia)
Shani, I know you aren t going to want to hear this. But given your symptoms, I think your depression is really bipolar 2. I sat there, looking at the psychiatrist, dumbfounded. No, no, that doesn t seem right. No way. My mind was spinning, trying... read more
451 words · ~1 minute to read · published
@shanijane
Shani Matthews @shanijane (Australia)
My name is Shani and I m OK. I might not be. In fact, there s a high probability that I m not. I won t admit that to you though, because I can t even truly admit it to myself. There s a voice inside my head that s screaming, desperately needing me... read more
376 words · ~1 minute to read · published
@shanijane
Shani Matthews @shanijane (Australia)
Before I could name you, I thought I was nothing more than you. The monsters I thought were living under my bed were nothing compared to you, the monster in my mind—a never satisfied monster named: Shame. No matter how fast I ran in the... read more
658 words · ~2 minutes to read · published
@shanijane
Shani Matthews @shanijane (Australia)
You know me. I live in your town. I work in your community. I play sports, I support local charities and groups, I work hard and play hard and you say hi to me at the supermarket. You know me. You know I never served in a war, but you don’t know... read more
1114 words · ~4 minutes to read · published
@shanijane
Shani Matthews @shanijane (Australia)
Sorry. Sorry. Pardon. Excuse me. Sorry. With the onset of depression and anxiety, “sorry” became my favorite word. Sorry for bumping into you, even if you hardly noticed. Sorry my hair sticks up on one side and I’m not wearing... read more
410 words · ~1 minute to read · published
@shanijane
Shani Matthews @shanijane (Australia)
“You still don’t think you deserve therapy.” Barb, my psychologist finished our session with today. I sat in silence, staring deeply into her eyes. It hit me like a tonne of bricks, because she’s right. I instantly felt a... read more
526 words · ~2 minutes to read · published
@shanijane
Shani Matthews @shanijane (Australia)
Excuse me? Yes, you. Hi, there. Come sit with me for a minute. I want you to know something. I see you. I see you avoiding eye contact. I see you with your head down, staring at your feet, sure that you have nothing to offer. I see you with glazed... read more
0 words · ~1 minute to read · published
@shanijane
Shani Matthews @shanijane (Australia)
Today, my anxiety nightmare came true: I had a panic attack in front of my staff. I experienced my first massive panic attack when I was a young teenager. I was convinced I was having a heart attack, but I didn’t tell my mum because my... read more
626 words · ~2 minutes to read · published
@shanijane
Shani Matthews @shanijane (Australia)
Well, it’s the New Year, and looking back on the year that's been, boy has it been nuts! There are things I have done well, like learned a lot about myself and my demons and things I haven't done so well such as kept up on this blog.... read more
439 words · ~1 minute to read · published
@shanijane
Shani Matthews @shanijane (Australia)
I am sitting at the table with Depression, Anxiety, and PTSD. I realise that all of these things are part of me, which means that technically I am both a guest at the tableandthe table itself. I am here to remind the other three that I am a bright,... read more
520 words · ~2 minutes to read · published
@shanijane
Shani Matthews @shanijane (Australia)
Sept 10 is world suicide prevention day so thought I would do a quick awareness blog about some of my mental health issues and some things which we need to shed some more light on. My psychologist hasis helping me work through PTSD and developmental... read more
554 words · ~2 minutes to read · published
@shanijane
Shani Matthews @shanijane (Australia)
My particular method was going to be a concoction of prescription pills. I had about 50 or so of them, all different types, all different shapes, all bright white. Some of them piled up and over each other, some of them stuck to the sweaty skin of my... read more
815 words · ~3 minutes to read · published
@shanijane
Shani Matthews @shanijane (Australia)
It's been a long long time since I have written a blog. To be completely honest with you, part of the reason is that my faith has been struggling and my mind, full of doubt the last year or so. I haven't had real consistent, indepth, intimate... read more
592 words · ~2 minutes to read · published
@shanijane
Shani Matthews @shanijane (Australia)
The first time I had a panic attack, I thought it was just asthma. I was at church surrounded by friends, singing, and suddenly, I couldn't breathe right. I wound up sitting on a bench in the bathroom, watching the white tiled room shrink.... read more
601 words · ~2 minutes to read · published
@shanijane
Shani Matthews @shanijane (Australia)
Empty adjective containing nothing; having none of the usual or appropriate contents “Hi, my name is Shani and I am empty.” This is the disclaimer that I wish I could say out loud when I meet someone these days. It would save us both a lot... read more
386 words · ~1 minute to read · published
@shanijane
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