I have been a member of ChristianBlog.Com for 9 years, 15 days.

  I have published 37 blogs and 2,172 comments.

 My most recent blog was published: Jan 16 2018 09:38:37am

 I currently live in: United States.
  Grieving The Love of My Life

Grieving ~ it is not pretty

  Blogs In Series
Sleep peacefully, my love
Beth
published . 3 min read
My dearest Love, 48 hours ago this minute, the phone rang. Never ever ever in my wildest dreams would I ever believe that I would never see you again. 28 years ago today, I became whole, when I became your wife. I can't believe you are gone. I don't know how to go on without you. I just can't. You were not my better half. You were my whole self. You were my rudder, my steering mechanism. You are my backbone and every other bone in my body You are my Man of God. You taught me, you guided me, you took care of me. I was spoiled. Friends at work used to kiddingly tell me that I was spoiled. They were right. And I admitted that freely. You made life easy for me. I am high maintenance; and you were my maintainer. You spoiled me like no husband I have ever heard of. Not the way most......
Grieving the love of my life
Beth
published . 3 min read
The family is gone and it's been over a week since my Honey left this life. You'd think I would be able to function now. You'd think I would get dressed. There are a zillion things to do. I can't seem to do one of them. People ask me how I'm doing. How do you answer that question? I wish I were dead? I wish I could go to sleep and never wake up? People keep telling me to lean on the Lord. I am trying but I don't think I work right. I can't even pray. I get as far as "Father, " and that's all I can say. People keep telling me I'm strong. Ha. You think because you haven't seen me dissolved into a puddle of tears, that I am holding up OK. You would be as far from right as you can get. I hold up in public because I am numb. I do not believe......
Six weeks a widow. where are you, god?
Beth
published . 2 min read
Where are you, God? Where are you? I can't feel you; I can't hear you. I am drowning. People say that Kirk is by me. No, he is not. He is awaiting the Lord's return. I don't feel his presence; I feel only his absence. So this is why we are to hate the world, I suppose. What would he want me to do? I have no idea. I know what he would have done, for he told me. If I had gone before him, he would have joined a hermitage in Southern Missouri. But he didn't tell me what to do. He told me what he THOUGHT I would do, and that is to move back to Pennsylvania. He said it in an off-handed way, as in "duh" of course you would move back to PA. But he certainly did not say it as that is what he would want me to do, just that he assumed I would do that. My job is here.......
A widow for 3 weeks
Beth
published . 2 min read
It's been 3 weeks. 3 weeks. A lifetime. I can't stop crying. I can't find any reason to go on. I know God must have a reason for keeping me here; but I certainly can't feel it. I still can't hear Him. I still can't feel Him. I just want my Honey to come back. Really. I just want him back. I can't take this. I can't take this. The problem with Grief Blogs and Widow Blogs is that only Widows read them. So only widows know that what I am feeling is normal. That the fact that I absolutely have no reason to get out of bed in the morning, is not abnormal. Everyone tells me... let's see, what do they tell me? He's in a better place. You'll see him again. Try to move on.Life is short. He's no longer in pain. He wasn't in pain. He was doing......
I went to see his grave today
Beth
published . 1 min read
Oh, my dear Friends at CB. You are keeping me breathing. Which, most of the time I do not view as a good thing. I have no reason to get out of bed. Then I think, "I need to check CB" and I get out of bed. Today I visited his grave. Not a bad thing. Just a thing. I stayed for a couple hours, alternately crying, sitting, staring, and lying with my head next to where his head is 6 feet down. I had not seen my brother in 9 years. I love my brother, always have. But we talked only on birthdays, and the last few birthdays, we just left messages for each other. So I was surprised when he came. I was extremely thankful, but surprised. He has called me every night since. Which shocks me even more than him coming here. Last night, as I was crying into the phone once again, he said,......
Kirk's farewell words
Beth
published . 3 min read
This will be a very difficult thing to write. You see, I found Kirk's "Last Will and Desires" in our Safe Deposit Box. I am so sorry, My Honey, I am so very very sorry. I did not do what he wanted. He is not buried where he wanted to be buried. His memorial service was not where he wanted it to be. The person who performed the service was not the one he wanted. The songs played during the memorial service were not the songs he wanted played. There is one line and one line only that gave me great relief: "I do not wish to be cremated." That is the only thing I got right. He wanted "When I Survey The Wondrous Cross", "God Leads Us Along/Precious Lord", and "Medley of Favorite Hymns." I didn't get even one of them right. In my......
The widow m at four months
Beth
published . 3 min read
It is almost 4 months. The entire world thinks I should be "better" by now. Thank God for Grief Groups. I go to 3 of them. And in them, I find other people who are in the same boat. It is NOT unusual to not be any better at this point. In fact, it is extemely unusual to be "better" at this point. Do Grief Groups help? Well, not in the sense of making things better. For example, I went to Grief Group last night and today I cannot stop crying. So, no, it does not make it better. What it does is allow us to know we are NOT crazy. We are completely normal. We are grieving. I'll give you an example. In Grief Group, someone can say something like this: My friend told me I shouldn't jog at night because it's dangerous. I said, "Good, I hope someone is lurking......
The widow m borrowing from one who went before
Beth
published . 6 min read
I did not write this. This letter has been circulating for some time around widow/er hangouts. I wrote some blogs with similar sentiments, but this person put most of "our" sentiments together quite well. If you know anyone who has lost their soulmate, The Love of Their Life, consider this a letter from them. If you consider me a friend, consider this a letter from me to you with love. To My Friend I have lost the one I love, the one I cherish. My lover, my best friend, my whole life. Either you have stumbled across this because you want to find out how to help me, or I have given this to you. How I am Feeling I am numb. I am in shock. I am emotionally exhausted. I am in pain. A horrible, gut-wrenching, intense, unimaginable, and indescribable pain. My mind is totally......
The widow m vs the tire
Beth
published . 4 min read
Widowhood brings with it many challenges, not the least of which is taking on the jobs of both spouses. I was spoiled completely, as Kirk took care of everything. I knew where to put gas into the car, but that was about it. Since, as you recall, I had not even driven for 7 years I had not even done that for quite awhile. So, this little light comes on, on my dashboard. I thought it was telling me I needed an oil change. I knew that, since my sisters... yes, my sisters, during the week after Kirk's funeral, took me on a tour under the hood of both my car and my van. They informed me that both vehicles were in need of an oil change. I remember that, but I couldn't tell you anything else they told me. That first week... No, actually those first months, are a blur. I remember one of......
The widow m at christmas
Beth
published . 2 min read
My dear fellow CBers. I love you dearly. And some of you have been truly wonderful. Some of you are clueless, but that is not your fault. I was most definitely clueless before joining the ranks of the Widowed. My faith will get me through. HA! All of you (my old self included) somehow think that being a Christian shields you from the pain of losing the Love of Your Life. It does not. Being a believer does not magically heal you and transport you to a land of No Pain. I have had major major life altering surgery. Someone carved out my heart, my joy, my reason for living, and my hope for any future in this life. I am left with a shell of a body that has nothing to hold it together. If you were to look up " people say to widows" on YouTube, you'd get so many videos you......
Birthday my kirkus, birthday.
Beth
published . 3 min read
Oh my Love, Oh my Love, So much has happened. So much. I do not recognize the person I am. I would have thought that God would have helped me become a better person. He has not. I still cannot hear him most of the time. You were my man of God. You heard him so well. I can't do this on my own. I don't know how to get close to God again. You made everything so easy for me. You even made my spiritual life easy. So this person I have become. I used to be really nice. At least most of the time. Now I don't care. People tell me their problems and I don't care. Really I don't care. Where has the empathy gone? Died with you. Where has the compassion gone? Died with you. Thought maybe the Lord allowed you to die so I would learn to stand spiritually on my own two feet. Well, if......
The bubble has popped - the widow m on her birthday
Beth
published . 3 min read
The Bubble Has Popped Today is my Birthday. Not just any birthday. The Big One. I said Good-Bye to my fifties last night and said Hello to the Big Six-Oh. I am not ready for this. But not at all for the reasons you presume. I care not a whit about getting older. I wish I were turning 99. I was 58 when Kirk died. And he was 63. Five years between us. And now there are only three. For you see, I am getting older but he is not. He should be here. He should be here for my 60th. He always made my birthdays so very special for me. Not with gifts bought with money. But with a homemade dinner of a filet (between raw and rare, thank you very much) and crab legs (2 pounds of butter please) and asparagus with homemade Hollandaise sauce. And to think he couldn't boil water when we first got......
The widow m and her widda friends
Beth
published . 4 min read
Several weeks ago at Grief Group, one of the Widows mentioned that her anniversary was coming up. She said that she was going to visit Archie and release some orange balloons for their wedding anniversary. She explained that Archie was a great Tennessee fan and that orange was his favorite color. She then wondered aloud if anyone would care to join her at the cemetery on that special day. Candy was hoping that perhaps two or three of us Widows and Widowers would join her to release her 23 orange balloons. Ten of us showed up. Do you remember my writing in my blog "Sleep Peacefully My Love" (written on our 28th anniversary 48 hours after his death), that I hoped to make Kirk proud? Do you also remember that I had not driven for quite a few years? I am driving like an......